One year ago yesterday I sat in front of my computer with a bag of Oreos and tears rolling down my face not knowing why I used food deal with all my problems. At that moment I polished off the bag and wrote my first blog and posted my first weight photo for the whole facebook world to see. I remember feeling so lost and desperate to change this cycle in my life and I really had no clue as to where to begin...so I chose the "get real" approach, I needed to stop hiding.
One year later I spent the very same day making my way up the tallest mountain in Maine, Mount Katahdin. During all the preparation for this trip I kept telling myself how devastated I would be if I didn't make it to the top...and the weather became too dangerous about 3/4 of the way up so we had to turn back. Was I devastated? Not at all...I learned so much about myself along this journey that the summit did not matter.
I thought in the beginning that when I reached the summit I would have this great big epiphany but I realized throughout the day that it wasn't summiting that would charge that greatness, I already possessed it inside, it was me that had to unlock that door, not the summit! There is greatness inside us all and no one else will find it for you, you have to dig deep and recognize your own gifts and that paves the way for amazing things to happen in your life.
I will say I learned a lot more about myself yesterday...I don't give up anymore. There were times when we were scrambling boulders that were bigger than we were! I wanted to throw in the towel! I even started crying twice!! But I didn't give up, I forged ahead...as I did over the last year. In the past I would repeat the old patterns out of fear, yes I feared the unknown. But what I didn't realize was that the unknown was not scary at all as a matter of fact it was quite blissful! I just had to take a leap of faith and forge through all those fears.
Let me tell ya I faced one fear after another yesterday! I have a major fear of slippery rocks when I hike...Thank you Mount Katahdin...I am over that one because you poured like buckets on us!! I have always been afraid of heights...no longer!!! I feared that I may have to turn back because I physically could not make it...if the weather hadn't set it I would have been to the top! One year ago I also feared I would never live a life without walls, a life where food didn't rule every step I took. I faced that fear one day at a time and look at me today.... 70 pounds lighter climbing mountains! If you are still stuck in that spot I was in 1 year ago I urge you to make one change today, just take one little step each day, it is not something that happens over night just take it one step at a time just like I did the mountain.
Now many people have asked me....what is the key? Where do I start...because starting is the hardest part...which diet...which exercise?? The key is self love. Don't worry about diets, weight programs...you have tried them all...seriously what do you have to lose? It really is just that simple allow yourself to love yourself, accept yourself and all your qualities, and then...and only then will you start living the life that you deserve. After a while your patterns will change you will see how badly you treat yourself and those patterns will stop when you start of love yourself...you will start to naturally make the choices with food and exercise that you know your body deserves. Drop the fear of change, open doors, the same doors that we have shut out of fear, because I am here to tell you that when you do your life will change and you will see things with new eyes!! I love you all!! Thanks for supporting me on my journey...the journey is not over but this will be my last post...I have however started a list of 10 things I would have never done before I lost the weight and I plan to do them all so I will post them on my website www.nikkilook.com so check it out!! Feel free to email me if you ever are stuck and need a few words of encouragement sendoutlove@gmail.com
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Molting
Molting
I was hiking with a friend the other day and had quite the awaking. As we are hiking along I am behind her and as she zips along the steep, rough terrain like she is on a leisurely stroll through the park...hello... we are climbing a mountain...she does not even stop to catch her breath! Me...I look and sound like I am in serious need of a medivac!
As we are teetering on the steep embankment catching "my" breath...I realized something...My personal best is NOT her personal best. Every persons circumstances are different...she is a person who can run upwards of 10 miles...is ten years younger than me...and weighs at least 70 pounds less than I do! We both are in very different places with our physical body, and that's ok.
You have to understand that whatever I do I have to be GREAT in! I am not a slacker and I want to be the best or I don't even bother trying...so my personal best has got to be better than whoever is considered "the best". It can be very exhausting never giving yourself a break, my expectations for myself have always been very unrealistic!
Now, I do believe that we have to set the bar high in life or we will never go far, but we have to learn to accept ourselves for the individuals that we are before we can move forward. So as I stood hanging on that side of the cliff I had my ah ha moment... for the first time I was completely content with who and where I was in life. I took a brief glance back at where I was just one year ago...I was lost, stuck inside this fat suit I had built to protect myself from the world. I used Oreos to deal with life's ups and downs and did not feel like I would ever conquer this problem I was faced with every day. My days were filled with a blackness that I was sure would never leave.
And today... 11 months later... I was standing on a mountain, molting from the suit that held me back in so many ways. I realized that I don't have to be the best hiker out there, I just have to do my personal best. Anyone can get to the top of the mountain...it does not matter how you got there or how long it took, because it is the steps you took along the path that molds who you are today. And whoever that person is...love and accept them...that is the key to moving forward without barriers. Love is all you need;)
I was hiking with a friend the other day and had quite the awaking. As we are hiking along I am behind her and as she zips along the steep, rough terrain like she is on a leisurely stroll through the park...hello... we are climbing a mountain...she does not even stop to catch her breath! Me...I look and sound like I am in serious need of a medivac!
As we are teetering on the steep embankment catching "my" breath...I realized something...My personal best is NOT her personal best. Every persons circumstances are different...she is a person who can run upwards of 10 miles...is ten years younger than me...and weighs at least 70 pounds less than I do! We both are in very different places with our physical body, and that's ok.
You have to understand that whatever I do I have to be GREAT in! I am not a slacker and I want to be the best or I don't even bother trying...so my personal best has got to be better than whoever is considered "the best". It can be very exhausting never giving yourself a break, my expectations for myself have always been very unrealistic!
Now, I do believe that we have to set the bar high in life or we will never go far, but we have to learn to accept ourselves for the individuals that we are before we can move forward. So as I stood hanging on that side of the cliff I had my ah ha moment... for the first time I was completely content with who and where I was in life. I took a brief glance back at where I was just one year ago...I was lost, stuck inside this fat suit I had built to protect myself from the world. I used Oreos to deal with life's ups and downs and did not feel like I would ever conquer this problem I was faced with every day. My days were filled with a blackness that I was sure would never leave.
And today... 11 months later... I was standing on a mountain, molting from the suit that held me back in so many ways. I realized that I don't have to be the best hiker out there, I just have to do my personal best. Anyone can get to the top of the mountain...it does not matter how you got there or how long it took, because it is the steps you took along the path that molds who you are today. And whoever that person is...love and accept them...that is the key to moving forward without barriers. Love is all you need;)
Friday, July 6, 2012
Life's Little Tests
Life's Little Tests
Since I started this journey 10 months ago I have to say life has thrown me a few curves. I started with overcoming the physical obstacles that make it difficult to exercise when you are over 300 pounds and with time and perseverance I blew through it and moved on. I then lost an uncle, and remember for an emotional eater, this type of life changing event is a true test of where your at.
Skipping forward hoping for a little reprieve I immediately was hit with the removal of one of my organs! Surgery...this meant no exercise...and now I could eat anything I wanted because I felt better! I did eventually move past that without throwing in the towel only to be thrown from the frying pan into the fire when my husband was out of work for two months due to the economic downturn...this means I have been working 10-12 hour days for months now!!
Thinking that I would take a break from the drama I totally spaced that I had to graduate both of my daughters...oh yes lets face the fact that your baby is leaving home!! Ok, so you are thinking she has made it through a lot without giving in right? Then my best friends fathers dies...there is nothing you can do for the ones you love except be there. The stress of feeling their pain and being completely helpless is the worst feeling in the world. It reminds me of when your child is crying because something has happened and you would just give anything to take that pain from them..you want to experience it instead of them.
All of these things are tests, I believe life will keep throwing you little tests until you have properly passed them. I know the reason I have been heavy all my life, and it's because I use food to cope and drown all my cares, some use alcohol or drugs but I used to use food. During these times of stress I would always find myself with a bag of oreo's and a jug of milk...yesterday after the funeral I found myself sitting on the couch craving a hike...not an oreo but a hike ;) I could feel every inch of my body wanting to hike to the top of something, I wanted to show that mountain/hill that I was in control. This is what I do to clear my head now... anything that will get my blood pumping I have found, will melt away the stress far better than a bag of oreos. So go ahead life keep throwing me stress cause I have found a way to deal over and over again WITHOUT FOOD!
If you too stress eat...I have to give some pretty blunt advice...you can sit there and cry about it and make excuses about why you do it but that is not fixing the problem. It is as simple as just NOT doing it...give yourself the respect that you deserve...pick a new way to unload your stress. Yes that sounds simple right? It truly is..we make things way more difficult than they need to be. Trust me, after a while of replacing this habit with another "healthy" way to deal with stress you will begin to crave that "healthy stress reliever". So basically you just have to stop whining and do it!! That is exactly what I did and I know you can do it too. Remember when you email me it's private;) sendoutlove@gmail.com
Since I started this journey 10 months ago I have to say life has thrown me a few curves. I started with overcoming the physical obstacles that make it difficult to exercise when you are over 300 pounds and with time and perseverance I blew through it and moved on. I then lost an uncle, and remember for an emotional eater, this type of life changing event is a true test of where your at.
Skipping forward hoping for a little reprieve I immediately was hit with the removal of one of my organs! Surgery...this meant no exercise...and now I could eat anything I wanted because I felt better! I did eventually move past that without throwing in the towel only to be thrown from the frying pan into the fire when my husband was out of work for two months due to the economic downturn...this means I have been working 10-12 hour days for months now!!
Thinking that I would take a break from the drama I totally spaced that I had to graduate both of my daughters...oh yes lets face the fact that your baby is leaving home!! Ok, so you are thinking she has made it through a lot without giving in right? Then my best friends fathers dies...there is nothing you can do for the ones you love except be there. The stress of feeling their pain and being completely helpless is the worst feeling in the world. It reminds me of when your child is crying because something has happened and you would just give anything to take that pain from them..you want to experience it instead of them.
All of these things are tests, I believe life will keep throwing you little tests until you have properly passed them. I know the reason I have been heavy all my life, and it's because I use food to cope and drown all my cares, some use alcohol or drugs but I used to use food. During these times of stress I would always find myself with a bag of oreo's and a jug of milk...yesterday after the funeral I found myself sitting on the couch craving a hike...not an oreo but a hike ;) I could feel every inch of my body wanting to hike to the top of something, I wanted to show that mountain/hill that I was in control. This is what I do to clear my head now... anything that will get my blood pumping I have found, will melt away the stress far better than a bag of oreos. So go ahead life keep throwing me stress cause I have found a way to deal over and over again WITHOUT FOOD!
If you too stress eat...I have to give some pretty blunt advice...you can sit there and cry about it and make excuses about why you do it but that is not fixing the problem. It is as simple as just NOT doing it...give yourself the respect that you deserve...pick a new way to unload your stress. Yes that sounds simple right? It truly is..we make things way more difficult than they need to be. Trust me, after a while of replacing this habit with another "healthy" way to deal with stress you will begin to crave that "healthy stress reliever". So basically you just have to stop whining and do it!! That is exactly what I did and I know you can do it too. Remember when you email me it's private;) sendoutlove@gmail.com
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Class Reunion
20 Year Class Reunion
Last weekend I attended my 20 year class reunion. The first thing I have to say is how much I love all the people in my class...we are wild and crazy people with the biggest hearts I have ever seen! The thing I love most about my class was the fact that everyone accepted each other for who they were, there was no big displays of who "became" more or who "has" more...just genuine excitement to spend time with one another. I guess that is what I would have to label the Narraguagus class of 1992 ... just plain genuine :)
It has been 20 years, so as you can imagine the big questions pop up...holy crap what am I going to wear...oh god, look how skinny I was 20 years ago...everyone is going to think I am a fat slob!
NOPE! Not this time! I just threw on a fresh outfit that my daughter helped me pick out and went. I threw all my insecurities out the door and went with the attitude that I was just going to be myself. All through high school I always set back and let others make decisions and stand in the light because I was afraid to show the world who I really was due to my fear of rejection. I think about it now and realize how sad my life was then, but how lucky I was to have friends that saw beyond all my insecurities, even when I didn't have the strength to.
So I went to my class reunion with my head held high determined to show my class the real "me", what little did I know was, they already knew me, I was the only one who is just meeting her for the first time ;) All of the inadequecy I used to feel has been replaced with a strong sense of wholeness... that has forever paved a new road for me to travel on...a much smoother road I must say;)
Thanks so much my loving class of 1992 and thanks to me...for learning that it's ok to be afraid, it's what you do with that fear that defines you.
Last weekend I attended my 20 year class reunion. The first thing I have to say is how much I love all the people in my class...we are wild and crazy people with the biggest hearts I have ever seen! The thing I love most about my class was the fact that everyone accepted each other for who they were, there was no big displays of who "became" more or who "has" more...just genuine excitement to spend time with one another. I guess that is what I would have to label the Narraguagus class of 1992 ... just plain genuine :)
It has been 20 years, so as you can imagine the big questions pop up...holy crap what am I going to wear...oh god, look how skinny I was 20 years ago...everyone is going to think I am a fat slob!
NOPE! Not this time! I just threw on a fresh outfit that my daughter helped me pick out and went. I threw all my insecurities out the door and went with the attitude that I was just going to be myself. All through high school I always set back and let others make decisions and stand in the light because I was afraid to show the world who I really was due to my fear of rejection. I think about it now and realize how sad my life was then, but how lucky I was to have friends that saw beyond all my insecurities, even when I didn't have the strength to.
So I went to my class reunion with my head held high determined to show my class the real "me", what little did I know was, they already knew me, I was the only one who is just meeting her for the first time ;) All of the inadequecy I used to feel has been replaced with a strong sense of wholeness... that has forever paved a new road for me to travel on...a much smoother road I must say;)
Thanks so much my loving class of 1992 and thanks to me...for learning that it's ok to be afraid, it's what you do with that fear that defines you.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Distorted Body Image
Distorted Body Image
I am struggling with the same old thing that has held me back every time I have lost weight in the past...a distorted view of my body. It makes no matter how much I weigh I still see myself as a 300 pound woman. Last time when I lost the weight I weighed 170 pounds and felt like I could barely fit through the door! When in reality I was smokin hot!!!
I remember looking at pictures of myself and thinking, "who the hell is that??" It was me, and I didn't even recognize myself, now keep in mind I kept the weight off for a few years so you would think after a while I would have settled into my new body but sadly I never did. I remember one day going into Lane Bryant, I was looking for something nice to wear to a function but oddly could not fit into any of their clothes! What a weird feeling it was to go to the rack pick up the size I "thought" I was...the size that I "saw" myself being, and each piece fell straight to the floor! I had outgrown the plus size store! Now most of you would think...Yeah!! But not me I was petrified!
I think that this fat suit we wear is to cover up our true self, it helps us to bury who we really are, because left out in the open we are vulnerable to the whole world. We believe that we are protecting ourselves, when in reality we are really hiding, never allowing the world to see who we really are...why?? Fear, fear of being hurt, ridiculed, rejected by society so if they never know who we really are then they can't hurt us right? Not true, no matter how much we cover it up our feelings and fears lie on the top of that suit and all we have done is given ourselves one more hurdle to overcome in life.
So the last time I lost the weight, I never saw the actual image of what I looked like...the true image of who I really was. As of now I have almost reached a loss of 70 pounds, although I have made many gains along this journey I once again, have hit a brick wall when it comes to seeing myself for who I really am physically. I feel that I have grown in so many ways, learning about why I eat, how I eat also teaching myself that it is ok to love myself, but for some reason I still can't see the real me.
When I walk down the street I see a shadow and I don't recognize that person...I go to the store and pick up clothes that are 3 sizes too big so I have to keep going back for smaller ones, until eventually I find myself crying in the dressing room...tears of joy of course, but baffled at why I have such a distorted sense of what I look like! I wonder why when I look in the mirror I still see that fat girl that picks apart every little area that still needs work.
I have decided that this time I will fix this problem once and for all. I am going to learn to love each and every part of my body, and not only will I love it I will see it where it is right now at this very moment. I am not a fan of keeping reminders of our "fat days" but I think it is important for me to see how far I have come, so I am printing off a picture of me in the beginning of this journey and pasting it to my full length mirror. I feel I need to remind myself of where I am and how far I have made it...a daily pat on the back will hopefully help me jump into a whole new perception of what I look like as well as be a continual reminder that I deserve each and every joyous moment!
Have a fabulous day my friends!!!
I am struggling with the same old thing that has held me back every time I have lost weight in the past...a distorted view of my body. It makes no matter how much I weigh I still see myself as a 300 pound woman. Last time when I lost the weight I weighed 170 pounds and felt like I could barely fit through the door! When in reality I was smokin hot!!!
I remember looking at pictures of myself and thinking, "who the hell is that??" It was me, and I didn't even recognize myself, now keep in mind I kept the weight off for a few years so you would think after a while I would have settled into my new body but sadly I never did. I remember one day going into Lane Bryant, I was looking for something nice to wear to a function but oddly could not fit into any of their clothes! What a weird feeling it was to go to the rack pick up the size I "thought" I was...the size that I "saw" myself being, and each piece fell straight to the floor! I had outgrown the plus size store! Now most of you would think...Yeah!! But not me I was petrified!
I think that this fat suit we wear is to cover up our true self, it helps us to bury who we really are, because left out in the open we are vulnerable to the whole world. We believe that we are protecting ourselves, when in reality we are really hiding, never allowing the world to see who we really are...why?? Fear, fear of being hurt, ridiculed, rejected by society so if they never know who we really are then they can't hurt us right? Not true, no matter how much we cover it up our feelings and fears lie on the top of that suit and all we have done is given ourselves one more hurdle to overcome in life.
So the last time I lost the weight, I never saw the actual image of what I looked like...the true image of who I really was. As of now I have almost reached a loss of 70 pounds, although I have made many gains along this journey I once again, have hit a brick wall when it comes to seeing myself for who I really am physically. I feel that I have grown in so many ways, learning about why I eat, how I eat also teaching myself that it is ok to love myself, but for some reason I still can't see the real me.
When I walk down the street I see a shadow and I don't recognize that person...I go to the store and pick up clothes that are 3 sizes too big so I have to keep going back for smaller ones, until eventually I find myself crying in the dressing room...tears of joy of course, but baffled at why I have such a distorted sense of what I look like! I wonder why when I look in the mirror I still see that fat girl that picks apart every little area that still needs work.
I have decided that this time I will fix this problem once and for all. I am going to learn to love each and every part of my body, and not only will I love it I will see it where it is right now at this very moment. I am not a fan of keeping reminders of our "fat days" but I think it is important for me to see how far I have come, so I am printing off a picture of me in the beginning of this journey and pasting it to my full length mirror. I feel I need to remind myself of where I am and how far I have made it...a daily pat on the back will hopefully help me jump into a whole new perception of what I look like as well as be a continual reminder that I deserve each and every joyous moment!
Have a fabulous day my friends!!!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Defining Moments
Defining Moments
Dr. Phil says that we have a few defining moments in our lives. These moments or experiences are what form us into the person we become. These defining moments can be big, small, good or even bad, never the less we allow them to lay the groundwork for how we live our lives. I had one of these moments the other day.
As you all know by now, food was my drug, so when I used to struggle with something I would immediately turn to food to help me ease the pain or avoid the issue at hand. Last week I was having a terrible day, well week really everything that could go wrong seemed like it did and I finally broke down! I was at work in Bar Harbor and realizing that I was not in the right state of mind to give a good treatment to my very deserving clients, I knew I just had to get my head back into the game before they showed up.
My first thought was...I need to go walk this off...so I walked directly out the door and started walking, the faster I walked feeling the cool ocean air on my face, the better I felt. I walked down Cottage Street onto Main...and immediately it hit me! The sweet smell of Ben and Bills!! At that moment I just stopped on the sidewalk and stared at the store, I could not believe what I had done!
Last September when I felt this way, I would have got in the car, drove down and bought a huge slab of fudge and ate it real fast on my way back to the office so no one could see. But no, not this time, this time my mind immediately told me to walk it off, get some exercise. I had adopted new habits and ways of dealing with life's ups and downs! I was subconsciously treating myself with respect...I automatically leaned toward loving behavior...without even having to work at it!! This was a defining moment for me, it was the first time that I had conformation that I had moved forward in my life. I was not the same helpless person that was standing inside the doors of Ben and Bills less than a year ago, this time I was the strong, self respecting person standing on the outside with a great big grin :)
With tears of joy in my eyes and my huge grin, I walked right by and on the way back through it was even easier to keep moving because with every step I knew that I was walking towards a life that was whole.
For all you stress eaters out there, don't give up, take baby steps and give yourself big pats on the back when an accomplishment is made, and when you stumble do not give yourself an emotional beating. Every day it will get easier I promise!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Dr. Phil says that we have a few defining moments in our lives. These moments or experiences are what form us into the person we become. These defining moments can be big, small, good or even bad, never the less we allow them to lay the groundwork for how we live our lives. I had one of these moments the other day.
As you all know by now, food was my drug, so when I used to struggle with something I would immediately turn to food to help me ease the pain or avoid the issue at hand. Last week I was having a terrible day, well week really everything that could go wrong seemed like it did and I finally broke down! I was at work in Bar Harbor and realizing that I was not in the right state of mind to give a good treatment to my very deserving clients, I knew I just had to get my head back into the game before they showed up.
My first thought was...I need to go walk this off...so I walked directly out the door and started walking, the faster I walked feeling the cool ocean air on my face, the better I felt. I walked down Cottage Street onto Main...and immediately it hit me! The sweet smell of Ben and Bills!! At that moment I just stopped on the sidewalk and stared at the store, I could not believe what I had done!
Last September when I felt this way, I would have got in the car, drove down and bought a huge slab of fudge and ate it real fast on my way back to the office so no one could see. But no, not this time, this time my mind immediately told me to walk it off, get some exercise. I had adopted new habits and ways of dealing with life's ups and downs! I was subconsciously treating myself with respect...I automatically leaned toward loving behavior...without even having to work at it!! This was a defining moment for me, it was the first time that I had conformation that I had moved forward in my life. I was not the same helpless person that was standing inside the doors of Ben and Bills less than a year ago, this time I was the strong, self respecting person standing on the outside with a great big grin :)
With tears of joy in my eyes and my huge grin, I walked right by and on the way back through it was even easier to keep moving because with every step I knew that I was walking towards a life that was whole.
For all you stress eaters out there, don't give up, take baby steps and give yourself big pats on the back when an accomplishment is made, and when you stumble do not give yourself an emotional beating. Every day it will get easier I promise!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Long Lost Friend
My Long Lost Friend
I drove into the parking lot and just sat there with the motor running, my palms sweaty, stomach in knots and fidgety as all hell. I left the car running so I could make my quick get away, because all I could think about was how much I wanted to put my foot to the floor and get away from this place as fast as possible. How could a place that my life once revolved around turn into my biggest nightmare? I used to wake up and run there just as fast as my feet would carry me, it was my favorite place in the world...but today I was petrified to walk through the doors. Where was I? The GYM!
Some of you who read this will just laugh and say "whatever". But many others will know exactly where I am coming from. When you walk in you are worried...everyone is looking at me...I know they are thinking"why are you bothering lady!". And...my butt...my butt is juggling while I am on the elliptical...why do they put the machines facing the wall?? That means everyone behind you is watching you jiggle?? And the mirrors...excuse me!! Are they really necessary?
All these crazy thoughts go through your head, so much so that you never really work to your full potential because you are so busy worrying about what everyone else is thinking about you. You find that YOU are the one in fact staring at everyone else, because you are intimidated by the "skinny mini" running on the treadmill. Am I right? I am here to tell you, they don't give a shit about you and your insecurities! Trust me when I say this, they are here to keep their bodies healthy and if they are working to their full potential they sure as the hell aren't worried about what you are doing! You are the last thing on their mind! So in the end you have tortured yourself for an hour with useless negative thoughts!
Why do we do this to ourselves? Two reasons.
1. Fear of change...We are looking for an excuse to stay right where we are, it takes courage to change, even if we desperately need it, down deep we know all the wonderful things that can come from change, but in the end we choose to not take the chance. We choose to stay right where we are because it is comfortable and we fear what change will bring. Sounds strange doesn't it? We choose a tattered life when we could have one that is whole. It is necessary to break this cycle and find the courage to make the change and sometimes it starts with something as trivial as walking into the gym.
2. Rejection of society...We put to much emphasis on how others see us, when what we really have to remember is...we are the ones who tell others "what" they are seeing. They mirror the image of what we are thinking! Whether we realize it or not, if we are insecure then people will see insecure, if we feel fat and frumpy that's what others will see. On the other hand if you feel vibrant and full of energy that is exactly what others will see. We tell people how to see us. If we spent more time focusing on feeling better about ourselves and less on who we thought people perceived us to be then the problem would be solved.
So back to my story...I took a deep breath and walked in through the door, put my headphones on and walked into a very crowded room of people on the machines. I thought for sure that they would all stare at me...but what I observed was something very different. The room was not full of "skinny mini's" it was full of ordinary people, people who were there for the same reasons I was. I immediately jumped onto a piece of equipment and worked to my full potential, then moved to the next piece and then the next piece all while remembering why I used to love the gym. Without finding the courage to walk through the door I would never have reconnected with my long lost friend...the gym;)
I challenge you today find courage to do something that puts a knot in your stomach just thinking about it, something that you know would benefit you but you just don't dare. Step on the scale...go to the gym...say yes to the blind date...ride that roller coaster you have always been afraid of...do some sort of public speaking, there's has to be something that requires you to tap into your box of courage. I promise you the high you get when you break through that barrier is way better than the feelings of shame you currently live with every single day for never trying.
I drove into the parking lot and just sat there with the motor running, my palms sweaty, stomach in knots and fidgety as all hell. I left the car running so I could make my quick get away, because all I could think about was how much I wanted to put my foot to the floor and get away from this place as fast as possible. How could a place that my life once revolved around turn into my biggest nightmare? I used to wake up and run there just as fast as my feet would carry me, it was my favorite place in the world...but today I was petrified to walk through the doors. Where was I? The GYM!
Some of you who read this will just laugh and say "whatever". But many others will know exactly where I am coming from. When you walk in you are worried...everyone is looking at me...I know they are thinking"why are you bothering lady!". And...my butt...my butt is juggling while I am on the elliptical...why do they put the machines facing the wall?? That means everyone behind you is watching you jiggle?? And the mirrors...excuse me!! Are they really necessary?
All these crazy thoughts go through your head, so much so that you never really work to your full potential because you are so busy worrying about what everyone else is thinking about you. You find that YOU are the one in fact staring at everyone else, because you are intimidated by the "skinny mini" running on the treadmill. Am I right? I am here to tell you, they don't give a shit about you and your insecurities! Trust me when I say this, they are here to keep their bodies healthy and if they are working to their full potential they sure as the hell aren't worried about what you are doing! You are the last thing on their mind! So in the end you have tortured yourself for an hour with useless negative thoughts!
Why do we do this to ourselves? Two reasons.
1. Fear of change...We are looking for an excuse to stay right where we are, it takes courage to change, even if we desperately need it, down deep we know all the wonderful things that can come from change, but in the end we choose to not take the chance. We choose to stay right where we are because it is comfortable and we fear what change will bring. Sounds strange doesn't it? We choose a tattered life when we could have one that is whole. It is necessary to break this cycle and find the courage to make the change and sometimes it starts with something as trivial as walking into the gym.
2. Rejection of society...We put to much emphasis on how others see us, when what we really have to remember is...we are the ones who tell others "what" they are seeing. They mirror the image of what we are thinking! Whether we realize it or not, if we are insecure then people will see insecure, if we feel fat and frumpy that's what others will see. On the other hand if you feel vibrant and full of energy that is exactly what others will see. We tell people how to see us. If we spent more time focusing on feeling better about ourselves and less on who we thought people perceived us to be then the problem would be solved.
So back to my story...I took a deep breath and walked in through the door, put my headphones on and walked into a very crowded room of people on the machines. I thought for sure that they would all stare at me...but what I observed was something very different. The room was not full of "skinny mini's" it was full of ordinary people, people who were there for the same reasons I was. I immediately jumped onto a piece of equipment and worked to my full potential, then moved to the next piece and then the next piece all while remembering why I used to love the gym. Without finding the courage to walk through the door I would never have reconnected with my long lost friend...the gym;)
I challenge you today find courage to do something that puts a knot in your stomach just thinking about it, something that you know would benefit you but you just don't dare. Step on the scale...go to the gym...say yes to the blind date...ride that roller coaster you have always been afraid of...do some sort of public speaking, there's has to be something that requires you to tap into your box of courage. I promise you the high you get when you break through that barrier is way better than the feelings of shame you currently live with every single day for never trying.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Mind over Body or Body over Mind???
Mind over Body or Body over Mind???
I remember the first day I started to exercise on this 365 day journey, my mind had a clear vision of what I was about to accomplish but when my body was put in motion...it had a very different opinion of what could realistically be accomplished . Each and every day I would work my body as hard as I possibly could, all while my mind racing with that "vision" of where I was going to be. (some would argue that this "vision" was unrealistic, but not me! I continued to believe" Some days I wanted to throw in the towel, I felt like my body was standing in the way of my mind! But I didn't...I envisioned a body and mind that were whole. Every day I grew closer and closer to that goal until one day I felt it, I was on my morning walk, and for the first time I felt as though my legs were "new" they were exactly as they were suppose to be. Strong, long, fast and full of strength. When my mind said "go faster" ...they went faster! I knew at that moment that all my physical obstacles had been lifted and for the first time my body had caught up to my mind.
With that said, it can be just the opposite too. Are you one of those people who's mind is standing in the way of their body? Have you ever done something physical and was thoroughly shocked that you accomplished it? This was because your mind was standing in the way of your body, your body knew all along that it could be accomplished, but your mind did not allow yourself to believe. So tell me, is your mind in the way of your body? Or is your body in the way of your mind?
It really does not matter either way, because all you have to do is believe in both your mind and body and all the doubt will fall away and you will soon find that your mind and body are moving in line with one another and let me tell you that is an amazing feeling that will bring tears to your eyes;)
(I had to remind myself of this lesson as recovery from surgery can be very frustrating!!!)
Hugs to you all!!!
I remember the first day I started to exercise on this 365 day journey, my mind had a clear vision of what I was about to accomplish but when my body was put in motion...it had a very different opinion of what could realistically be accomplished . Each and every day I would work my body as hard as I possibly could, all while my mind racing with that "vision" of where I was going to be. (some would argue that this "vision" was unrealistic, but not me! I continued to believe" Some days I wanted to throw in the towel, I felt like my body was standing in the way of my mind! But I didn't...I envisioned a body and mind that were whole. Every day I grew closer and closer to that goal until one day I felt it, I was on my morning walk, and for the first time I felt as though my legs were "new" they were exactly as they were suppose to be. Strong, long, fast and full of strength. When my mind said "go faster" ...they went faster! I knew at that moment that all my physical obstacles had been lifted and for the first time my body had caught up to my mind.
With that said, it can be just the opposite too. Are you one of those people who's mind is standing in the way of their body? Have you ever done something physical and was thoroughly shocked that you accomplished it? This was because your mind was standing in the way of your body, your body knew all along that it could be accomplished, but your mind did not allow yourself to believe. So tell me, is your mind in the way of your body? Or is your body in the way of your mind?
It really does not matter either way, because all you have to do is believe in both your mind and body and all the doubt will fall away and you will soon find that your mind and body are moving in line with one another and let me tell you that is an amazing feeling that will bring tears to your eyes;)
(I had to remind myself of this lesson as recovery from surgery can be very frustrating!!!)
Hugs to you all!!!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Trusting Yourself
Trusting Yourself
As you all know I have been on the couch recovering from gallbladder surgery. I used to fear being left alone because the second that no one was around I would devour the entire pantry. That is no exaggeration, I would eat absolutely everything that was in sight. I would riffle through half eaten chip bags making my way to the crisper for the infamous hidden peanut butter cup and lastly moving directly to the freezer to finish up all the ice cream...later blaming it on the kids of course! All while not understanding why I was doing this and desperately wanting the madness to end.
The funny part is when your behavior changes gradually you tend to forget what it felt like to be in that moment especially if that moment was something you would rather forget. As I have been sitting around the house I had that ah ha moment, I realized that I did not fear being home alone anymore, as a matter of fact I love being home alone! I look at the clock and it is 3 in the afternoon and I have no idea how it got there, I used to look at the clock at 10 am and swear it must be 2 in the afternoon because I have already had 3 full course meals! Now that I have taken control of my emotions and deal with them head on the out of control behavior just faded away.
What an amazing and liberating feeling this is to be able to just trust myself enough to be alone and enjoy my own company. For the first time I really like spending quality time with me, I am no longer shadowed with a cloud of fear, fear of learning who I really am because the fact of the matter "who" I really am is revealed by exactly who I choose to be. It is all my choice and I am so grateful that I have learned this truly empowering lesson!
As you all know I have been on the couch recovering from gallbladder surgery. I used to fear being left alone because the second that no one was around I would devour the entire pantry. That is no exaggeration, I would eat absolutely everything that was in sight. I would riffle through half eaten chip bags making my way to the crisper for the infamous hidden peanut butter cup and lastly moving directly to the freezer to finish up all the ice cream...later blaming it on the kids of course! All while not understanding why I was doing this and desperately wanting the madness to end.
The funny part is when your behavior changes gradually you tend to forget what it felt like to be in that moment especially if that moment was something you would rather forget. As I have been sitting around the house I had that ah ha moment, I realized that I did not fear being home alone anymore, as a matter of fact I love being home alone! I look at the clock and it is 3 in the afternoon and I have no idea how it got there, I used to look at the clock at 10 am and swear it must be 2 in the afternoon because I have already had 3 full course meals! Now that I have taken control of my emotions and deal with them head on the out of control behavior just faded away.
What an amazing and liberating feeling this is to be able to just trust myself enough to be alone and enjoy my own company. For the first time I really like spending quality time with me, I am no longer shadowed with a cloud of fear, fear of learning who I really am because the fact of the matter "who" I really am is revealed by exactly who I choose to be. It is all my choice and I am so grateful that I have learned this truly empowering lesson!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Reaching the Top!!
Reaching the Top!!
About 3 years ago I made a very big public announcement, my friend and I was going to hike Mount Katahdin to benefit MS. We even publicized it to 20,000 people in print and countless readers online with The Good News-paper. We told the story of my business partner and friend who was diagnosed with MS, Grace Kennedy.
Grace is one of the most inspirational people I have ever met, she has buried a daughter, brought her husband through cancer and been diagnosed with MS. If you met Grace you would never know it, she runs around like a steam engine, gliding through life with an attitude that is only explained by her very own name...Grace.
When I approached her with the idea she said...sure! She actually wanted to climb with me!!This is a woman who has MS! She refuses to let it control her life and I admire her spirit and it is truly contagious.
So here is the part where I FAILED!! I thought by making this public statement it would force me to do something about my weight, yes again I was not ready and did not fulfill my promise. I quickly learned a very important lesson...you can not force yourself to make a change that you are just simply not ready for.
So now I am in a very different place in my life, a place where I am publicly making the statement that I will climb Mount Katahdin to celebrate the marking of my 365 journey all while raising money for a good cause. I started this journey on Sept 8th 2011 and plan to climb the mountain on Sept 8th 2012. Making this climb will signify just how far I have come and will also help fulfill my promise to a very dear friend.
If anyone would like to join me in the climb and training (I am planning over the next 4 months)or wish to donate to the MS fund please let me know and I will send you info on how to do this! Thanks!!
About 3 years ago I made a very big public announcement, my friend and I was going to hike Mount Katahdin to benefit MS. We even publicized it to 20,000 people in print and countless readers online with The Good News-paper. We told the story of my business partner and friend who was diagnosed with MS, Grace Kennedy.
Grace is one of the most inspirational people I have ever met, she has buried a daughter, brought her husband through cancer and been diagnosed with MS. If you met Grace you would never know it, she runs around like a steam engine, gliding through life with an attitude that is only explained by her very own name...Grace.
When I approached her with the idea she said...sure! She actually wanted to climb with me!!This is a woman who has MS! She refuses to let it control her life and I admire her spirit and it is truly contagious.
So here is the part where I FAILED!! I thought by making this public statement it would force me to do something about my weight, yes again I was not ready and did not fulfill my promise. I quickly learned a very important lesson...you can not force yourself to make a change that you are just simply not ready for.
So now I am in a very different place in my life, a place where I am publicly making the statement that I will climb Mount Katahdin to celebrate the marking of my 365 journey all while raising money for a good cause. I started this journey on Sept 8th 2011 and plan to climb the mountain on Sept 8th 2012. Making this climb will signify just how far I have come and will also help fulfill my promise to a very dear friend.
If anyone would like to join me in the climb and training (I am planning over the next 4 months)or wish to donate to the MS fund please let me know and I will send you info on how to do this! Thanks!!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Obstacles (surgery)
Obstacles
We deal with many obstacles on this journey to a healthy, whole person. Obstacles of our mind, time, excuses, family support, commitment and ones of the physical body. I have been dealing with some obstacles of my own for a while now, ones that just don't seem to get better. I have fought and fought to keep my gallbladder, hoping that it would get better but it hasn't. Now it has effected my daily routine and most importantly, now MY WORKOUTS!!
Many people live with occasional gallbladder problems and never require surgery, I was hoping that I was going to be one of those people, but unfortunately I am not. When I learned that I had to have surgery I was upset because of the recovery time, this would heavily impact my workouts! But thinking back...as this problem has progressed I have noticed a decline in my ability to achieve a great workout session anyway.
The more I thought of the surgery I realized that I had to stop being negative and take this for what it really was, a little obstacle that I needed to embrace and swiftly moved past it on my way to the finish line. As I accepted and embraced the surgery I realized just how much of a blessing it would be to have it. I would begin to live a life not slaved by heartburn, indigestion and extreme pain every day, and most importantly I would be able to push my body as I once did during my workouts.
Remember when you come across an obstacle, you must stop, understand it, embrace it and figure out a way around and when it's in your rear view mirror the only thing you can do it just smile!!
Surgery tomorrow!!Wish me luck!! Love to you all!!
We deal with many obstacles on this journey to a healthy, whole person. Obstacles of our mind, time, excuses, family support, commitment and ones of the physical body. I have been dealing with some obstacles of my own for a while now, ones that just don't seem to get better. I have fought and fought to keep my gallbladder, hoping that it would get better but it hasn't. Now it has effected my daily routine and most importantly, now MY WORKOUTS!!
Many people live with occasional gallbladder problems and never require surgery, I was hoping that I was going to be one of those people, but unfortunately I am not. When I learned that I had to have surgery I was upset because of the recovery time, this would heavily impact my workouts! But thinking back...as this problem has progressed I have noticed a decline in my ability to achieve a great workout session anyway.
The more I thought of the surgery I realized that I had to stop being negative and take this for what it really was, a little obstacle that I needed to embrace and swiftly moved past it on my way to the finish line. As I accepted and embraced the surgery I realized just how much of a blessing it would be to have it. I would begin to live a life not slaved by heartburn, indigestion and extreme pain every day, and most importantly I would be able to push my body as I once did during my workouts.
Remember when you come across an obstacle, you must stop, understand it, embrace it and figure out a way around and when it's in your rear view mirror the only thing you can do it just smile!!
Surgery tomorrow!!Wish me luck!! Love to you all!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Embracing Who You Are
Embracing Who You Are
Have you ever watched that show Mike and Molly? I love that show! On TV they never show "fat" people and their lifestyles, this is not what "sells". They finally went against the grain and created a show about two overweight people living their lives...and guess what? It sells! Why you ask?? It's not glamorous...its not sexy. The reason why is because 60% of Americans are overweight, it may be 10 pounds or 100 pounds. There is a small group that can not watch that show and remember a time in their life when they weren't going through the same issues with weight and food.
The thing I love most about this show is the fact that they don't make these people hide in shame, they are bringing the issues to the front, embracing who they are and giving all of us permission to do the same. Tell me, do you think you are the only person who has eaten a candy bar and put the wrapper under the seat of your car? Are you the only one that has gone on a diet and been so deprived you ran directly from the gym to the ice cream section of the grocery store. How about the only one that has taken their scales and thrown them in the trash? ( I have thrown three sets in my POOL!!) I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and never feel that you have to hide who you really are.
That brings me to who we really are. By now you know quite a bit about me and who I am, would you say that I am a binge eater who lacks self control when it comes to food, a person who buries her problems under a steep pile of cookies? I once was that person, but not anymore. I believe that you must really be honest with yourself about who you really are and how you live your life, and then and only then you can make the hard changes that will bring you to a new juncture where you will be able to make life changing decisions.
This is a hard pill to swallow, learning who you really are, but you can do it. The most important thing to remember is just because you are in one place today does not mean that is where you will be tomorrow. We all have the ability to accept ourselves lovingly, NO MATTER who we are, and from that point is where the change will blossom. For example: Every time I talk about my former habits and things I was ashamed of it releases a little more power for me to harness and put to good use on this journey. By admitting and talking about the things I always tried to hide I am releasing pent up guilt and shamefulness that no longer serves me any purpose, because I am no longer that person. The new Nikki I would say is a strong, centered, aware person who loves and respects her mind body and spirit. She got to this place by starting the journey on a platform of opening her eyes and accepting ever part of who she was and realizing who she wanted to be...and I know you can do the same thing to:) xoxoxoxoxo to you all!!!
Have you ever watched that show Mike and Molly? I love that show! On TV they never show "fat" people and their lifestyles, this is not what "sells". They finally went against the grain and created a show about two overweight people living their lives...and guess what? It sells! Why you ask?? It's not glamorous...its not sexy. The reason why is because 60% of Americans are overweight, it may be 10 pounds or 100 pounds. There is a small group that can not watch that show and remember a time in their life when they weren't going through the same issues with weight and food.
The thing I love most about this show is the fact that they don't make these people hide in shame, they are bringing the issues to the front, embracing who they are and giving all of us permission to do the same. Tell me, do you think you are the only person who has eaten a candy bar and put the wrapper under the seat of your car? Are you the only one that has gone on a diet and been so deprived you ran directly from the gym to the ice cream section of the grocery store. How about the only one that has taken their scales and thrown them in the trash? ( I have thrown three sets in my POOL!!) I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and never feel that you have to hide who you really are.
That brings me to who we really are. By now you know quite a bit about me and who I am, would you say that I am a binge eater who lacks self control when it comes to food, a person who buries her problems under a steep pile of cookies? I once was that person, but not anymore. I believe that you must really be honest with yourself about who you really are and how you live your life, and then and only then you can make the hard changes that will bring you to a new juncture where you will be able to make life changing decisions.
This is a hard pill to swallow, learning who you really are, but you can do it. The most important thing to remember is just because you are in one place today does not mean that is where you will be tomorrow. We all have the ability to accept ourselves lovingly, NO MATTER who we are, and from that point is where the change will blossom. For example: Every time I talk about my former habits and things I was ashamed of it releases a little more power for me to harness and put to good use on this journey. By admitting and talking about the things I always tried to hide I am releasing pent up guilt and shamefulness that no longer serves me any purpose, because I am no longer that person. The new Nikki I would say is a strong, centered, aware person who loves and respects her mind body and spirit. She got to this place by starting the journey on a platform of opening her eyes and accepting ever part of who she was and realizing who she wanted to be...and I know you can do the same thing to:) xoxoxoxoxo to you all!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
One of "Those People"
One of "Those People"
Have you ever heard of a breed of people that could have a chocolate bar in their possession and NOT eat it!! You know the kind that carry one around in their purse and literally take a piece out and eat only one and put the rest back!!! I know you know who I am talking about... they are out there I call them , "those people" .
In my lifetime I never thought I would know what it was like to see things through the eyes of "those people" because I certainly never would understand what it would take to just say NO to the chocolate!
I always believed that I was controlled by the food, I was practically rendered defenseless when it came to my addiction with food. I always blamed food and knew that I would be a slave for as long as I lived.
Over the last 7 months I have learned that I am NOT a slave to food...as a matter of fact it had nothing to do with food! I was using food to avoid my problems, cope with life and drown the voices of self doubt. Which brings me to today's Ah Ha moment.
Today I found myself living the life of one of "those people". About two weeks ago I bought a Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate bar and put it in the console of my car with the intention being to indulge in one serving size when I had a craving. Keeping it in my car is much better than in my pantry...out of sight and out of mind right?
Now 7 months ago I would have eaten the whole dang thing before I hit the Heath Road...but that day I didn't even open it I just placed it safely in the console. 7 Months ago I would make a special trip to the car at 11pm if I remembered I had dropped a damn M&M in the seat....but not now I totally forgot about that candy bar until today when I opened the console and saw it sitting there. I instantly began to smile...I thought "Oh My God! I have become one of Those People!" The ones who live their life by experiences instead of hiding behind a big chocolate bar!
At that point I thought...now "those people" would not eat the whole bar they take one piece and put the rest away...so I will try it and see what happens. I broke off one bar and slowly allowed the bar to melt in my mouth, tasting all the wonderful chocolate flavor, savoring each and every moment, and shockingly when it was gone I was 100% satisfied! With only one square!!!At that moment I knew I had become one of "those people" and I was truly grateful for everything I had to go through to get to this point in my journey. Without the wild ride on this roller coaster I have put myself on throughout the years I know for a fact that I never would have enjoyed that one square of chocolate as much as I did today. Today is a day of celebration and gratitude!!
Have you ever heard of a breed of people that could have a chocolate bar in their possession and NOT eat it!! You know the kind that carry one around in their purse and literally take a piece out and eat only one and put the rest back!!! I know you know who I am talking about... they are out there I call them , "those people" .
In my lifetime I never thought I would know what it was like to see things through the eyes of "those people" because I certainly never would understand what it would take to just say NO to the chocolate!
I always believed that I was controlled by the food, I was practically rendered defenseless when it came to my addiction with food. I always blamed food and knew that I would be a slave for as long as I lived.
Over the last 7 months I have learned that I am NOT a slave to food...as a matter of fact it had nothing to do with food! I was using food to avoid my problems, cope with life and drown the voices of self doubt. Which brings me to today's Ah Ha moment.
Today I found myself living the life of one of "those people". About two weeks ago I bought a Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate bar and put it in the console of my car with the intention being to indulge in one serving size when I had a craving. Keeping it in my car is much better than in my pantry...out of sight and out of mind right?
Now 7 months ago I would have eaten the whole dang thing before I hit the Heath Road...but that day I didn't even open it I just placed it safely in the console. 7 Months ago I would make a special trip to the car at 11pm if I remembered I had dropped a damn M&M in the seat....but not now I totally forgot about that candy bar until today when I opened the console and saw it sitting there. I instantly began to smile...I thought "Oh My God! I have become one of Those People!" The ones who live their life by experiences instead of hiding behind a big chocolate bar!
At that point I thought...now "those people" would not eat the whole bar they take one piece and put the rest away...so I will try it and see what happens. I broke off one bar and slowly allowed the bar to melt in my mouth, tasting all the wonderful chocolate flavor, savoring each and every moment, and shockingly when it was gone I was 100% satisfied! With only one square!!!At that moment I knew I had become one of "those people" and I was truly grateful for everything I had to go through to get to this point in my journey. Without the wild ride on this roller coaster I have put myself on throughout the years I know for a fact that I never would have enjoyed that one square of chocolate as much as I did today. Today is a day of celebration and gratitude!!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Fear
Fear can be both debilitating and liberating it all depends on how we choose to react to the feeling. Throughout our lives we will be faced with times when we allow our fears to keep us stuck in one place doomed to keep repeating our destructive patterns. But what if we took a leap of faith and just trusted blindly and chose to move past the fear? Would we crumble? Would we fail?
I believe that we are worse off if we don't even try. I have faced many of my fears in life and each time when I have stared the fear directly in the face and believed in myself I can watch the big bully crumble. Every time I leave the situation with more confidence and pride, I love the feeling at the end when you can look back and see how far you came. Pushing past it brings you to places that you never imagined possible leaving you with a sense of wonder you never thought you would feel.
You probably think I am talking about conquering your fear of heights, or fear of water, or fear of snakes...yes I am but I am also talking about other fears that lie prevalent in our ever day lives. The fear of going to the gym because you are ashamed of what you body looks like, the fear of saying "hi" to the cute neighbor because he/she is so damn gorgeous, the fear of speaking publicly because you are afraid you may stutter, the fear of eating a chocolate bar in public because you think people are saying "seriously...do you think you need that lady".
I will tell you once you cast the fear aside whether you are victorious or not you will feel an immediate sense of freedom that is infectious and leaves you wanting more.
I released one of my fears this week, it was a sort of confession if you will. I have always hidden my binge eating, never really wanted to admit that I used food to sooth my feelings of fear, anxiety, stress and anger. I actually shared a story with someone this week and after I told the whole true story about me eating 4...yes 4 boxes of girls scout cookies and hiding the boxes under the seat of my car so no one would see how out of control I was, I felt free! With every word that flowed out of my mouth it was like someone was physically taking bricks from my shoulders! At the end of the story I felt like I had released a piece of my life and moved past it now that it was out there..it no longer festered inside of me and I no longer felt ashamed, I also didn't even care what the person was thinking!
I challenge you, next time you feel the feeling of fear closing in, remember it is only a feeling and it only has control over you if you allow it to, you are the only one who can feel it and also the only one who can release it. Acknowledge it...release it...and be free...and only then will you live a life without limitations!
I believe that we are worse off if we don't even try. I have faced many of my fears in life and each time when I have stared the fear directly in the face and believed in myself I can watch the big bully crumble. Every time I leave the situation with more confidence and pride, I love the feeling at the end when you can look back and see how far you came. Pushing past it brings you to places that you never imagined possible leaving you with a sense of wonder you never thought you would feel.
You probably think I am talking about conquering your fear of heights, or fear of water, or fear of snakes...yes I am but I am also talking about other fears that lie prevalent in our ever day lives. The fear of going to the gym because you are ashamed of what you body looks like, the fear of saying "hi" to the cute neighbor because he/she is so damn gorgeous, the fear of speaking publicly because you are afraid you may stutter, the fear of eating a chocolate bar in public because you think people are saying "seriously...do you think you need that lady".
I will tell you once you cast the fear aside whether you are victorious or not you will feel an immediate sense of freedom that is infectious and leaves you wanting more.
I released one of my fears this week, it was a sort of confession if you will. I have always hidden my binge eating, never really wanted to admit that I used food to sooth my feelings of fear, anxiety, stress and anger. I actually shared a story with someone this week and after I told the whole true story about me eating 4...yes 4 boxes of girls scout cookies and hiding the boxes under the seat of my car so no one would see how out of control I was, I felt free! With every word that flowed out of my mouth it was like someone was physically taking bricks from my shoulders! At the end of the story I felt like I had released a piece of my life and moved past it now that it was out there..it no longer festered inside of me and I no longer felt ashamed, I also didn't even care what the person was thinking!
I challenge you, next time you feel the feeling of fear closing in, remember it is only a feeling and it only has control over you if you allow it to, you are the only one who can feel it and also the only one who can release it. Acknowledge it...release it...and be free...and only then will you live a life without limitations!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Life's little Celebrations
Life's little Celebrations
In recent days my life has been filled with bad news and terrible circumstances for many of my friends and family. I can't begin to tell you the tragedies that have been unfolding before my eyes, they are the kind that you can only stand back and be there for them feeling helpless because there is nothing you can do.
All I can think about is how trivial my woes have been. I have been all depressed and wining because my knee pain has caused me to walk instead of run. Wa Wa Wa, oh poor me...
I realized today as I was walking...I have decided to walk instead of run...how incredibly lucky I am to have legs that will allow me to do this. Many would give anything to take steps across the floor... and here I have been wining about "not getting my runners high!"
I also realized that not only am I extremely fortunate to have these legs but I need to show my appreciation by treating them (legs) with love and respect. Many people would give so much to have what I have... and take for granted every day. So I will continue to exercise and eat right to show my gratitude.
This brought me to thinking about life's little celebrations. We can spend our days looking for that great big huge thing to celebrate...so we wait and we wait and wait and every once in a while we get blessed with a "big one". What about the little celebrations that occur every day? The fact that we got out of bed and the sun is shining, or the sweet taste of a pink lady apple, or the fresh smell of line dried sheets? I know these things seem so small but if we fill our lives with little celebrations and moments of happiness it provides you a safe place to retreat when you need it most.
I challenge you today to really stop and notice all the little things in your life that make you FEEL happy, because once you realize them you will repeat them over and over. And when you lay your head on the pillow tonight I promise you will have a nice great big grin on your face. That my dear is called fulfillment;)
In recent days my life has been filled with bad news and terrible circumstances for many of my friends and family. I can't begin to tell you the tragedies that have been unfolding before my eyes, they are the kind that you can only stand back and be there for them feeling helpless because there is nothing you can do.
All I can think about is how trivial my woes have been. I have been all depressed and wining because my knee pain has caused me to walk instead of run. Wa Wa Wa, oh poor me...
I realized today as I was walking...I have decided to walk instead of run...how incredibly lucky I am to have legs that will allow me to do this. Many would give anything to take steps across the floor... and here I have been wining about "not getting my runners high!"
I also realized that not only am I extremely fortunate to have these legs but I need to show my appreciation by treating them (legs) with love and respect. Many people would give so much to have what I have... and take for granted every day. So I will continue to exercise and eat right to show my gratitude.
This brought me to thinking about life's little celebrations. We can spend our days looking for that great big huge thing to celebrate...so we wait and we wait and wait and every once in a while we get blessed with a "big one". What about the little celebrations that occur every day? The fact that we got out of bed and the sun is shining, or the sweet taste of a pink lady apple, or the fresh smell of line dried sheets? I know these things seem so small but if we fill our lives with little celebrations and moments of happiness it provides you a safe place to retreat when you need it most.
I challenge you today to really stop and notice all the little things in your life that make you FEEL happy, because once you realize them you will repeat them over and over. And when you lay your head on the pillow tonight I promise you will have a nice great big grin on your face. That my dear is called fulfillment;)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Obsessed!
Obsessed!!
I have always been kind of an all or nothing type of person...I am either going to give something 100% or I am not going to even try at all. I guess you can say I thrive on commitment and when that commitment comes to an end then I move on to something I can put all that same energy into.
You may be thinking...well that is a great quality, right? Sometimes not so much...I tend to become a little obsessed with what I am focusing on. 6 months ago I was obsessed with avoiding my problems and could not focus on anything but the bottom of the Oreo Cookie bag. Now, I have become obsessed with the feelings I feel when I am jogging on the treadmill. (pretty good trade off I think ;)
It is hard to explain these feelings, I feel invincible, like there is nothing that I can't accomplish! It is the best high in the world! You are jogging along and hit that wall, your feet and legs feel like they are carrying a ton of bricks...and just when you are ready to give up, your mind takes over. It speaks to every fiber of your body, it feeds it with some unexplainable will to push forward and you can accomplish things that you never thought was possible.
So as you can imagine I am OBSESSED with that feeling that jogging gives me! The only problem is I am still very heavy which is causing knee pain. I have been jogging every day and have been forced to take a day off here and there due to the increasing pain in my knees. When I take a day off I am finding that I am impossible to live with! It's like having the worst PMS day EVER!!
I really want my family to continue to speak to me so I have made a decision. I obviously am not going to give up on my journey, I just have to find a way around this problem. I have seen so many people give up because they have had limitations with their body. What we really need to do is adapt by adopting new creative ways to over come our physical obstacles. Whether that means using an elliptical instead of a treadmill or doing floor exercises instead of standing ones. It does not matter what the limitations are we can work around them.
Solution:
I am addicted to the feeling that jogging gives me so I thought long and hard about what other activity gives me that feeling...teaching fitness classes. I used to teach interval/strength training classes a few years ago. It was something that I LOVED to do, the energy that fills the room is infectious! I also have a certain type of following with my classes, I attract a group of women who are not normally accustom to working out in public. I try to create a comfortable environment that is open to all fitness levels and I try to make accommodations for those who need them so it is very laid back but intense at the same time...if that makes sense!
Keep in mind I am still a 250 pound woman...a woman who is going to get up in front of a room full of people and show them how to exercise! That is the first thing that ran through my head...and just as quick as it came in... I let it go. I realize how hard it is to exercise in front of others when you are over weight, how self conscious you feel and then I remembered the more comfortable I am with my body the more comfortable my class attendees will be:) So if you are hitting some road blocks with your fitness training, remember there is something out there for you, just don't be afraid to try new things.
I have always been kind of an all or nothing type of person...I am either going to give something 100% or I am not going to even try at all. I guess you can say I thrive on commitment and when that commitment comes to an end then I move on to something I can put all that same energy into.
You may be thinking...well that is a great quality, right? Sometimes not so much...I tend to become a little obsessed with what I am focusing on. 6 months ago I was obsessed with avoiding my problems and could not focus on anything but the bottom of the Oreo Cookie bag. Now, I have become obsessed with the feelings I feel when I am jogging on the treadmill. (pretty good trade off I think ;)
It is hard to explain these feelings, I feel invincible, like there is nothing that I can't accomplish! It is the best high in the world! You are jogging along and hit that wall, your feet and legs feel like they are carrying a ton of bricks...and just when you are ready to give up, your mind takes over. It speaks to every fiber of your body, it feeds it with some unexplainable will to push forward and you can accomplish things that you never thought was possible.
So as you can imagine I am OBSESSED with that feeling that jogging gives me! The only problem is I am still very heavy which is causing knee pain. I have been jogging every day and have been forced to take a day off here and there due to the increasing pain in my knees. When I take a day off I am finding that I am impossible to live with! It's like having the worst PMS day EVER!!
I really want my family to continue to speak to me so I have made a decision. I obviously am not going to give up on my journey, I just have to find a way around this problem. I have seen so many people give up because they have had limitations with their body. What we really need to do is adapt by adopting new creative ways to over come our physical obstacles. Whether that means using an elliptical instead of a treadmill or doing floor exercises instead of standing ones. It does not matter what the limitations are we can work around them.
Solution:
I am addicted to the feeling that jogging gives me so I thought long and hard about what other activity gives me that feeling...teaching fitness classes. I used to teach interval/strength training classes a few years ago. It was something that I LOVED to do, the energy that fills the room is infectious! I also have a certain type of following with my classes, I attract a group of women who are not normally accustom to working out in public. I try to create a comfortable environment that is open to all fitness levels and I try to make accommodations for those who need them so it is very laid back but intense at the same time...if that makes sense!
Keep in mind I am still a 250 pound woman...a woman who is going to get up in front of a room full of people and show them how to exercise! That is the first thing that ran through my head...and just as quick as it came in... I let it go. I realize how hard it is to exercise in front of others when you are over weight, how self conscious you feel and then I remembered the more comfortable I am with my body the more comfortable my class attendees will be:) So if you are hitting some road blocks with your fitness training, remember there is something out there for you, just don't be afraid to try new things.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Your Obstacles
Your Obstacles
When trying to get healthy it seems we all conveniently find a long list of excuses of why we can't stick with it or even start for that matter!
If someone told me in September that by February I would be where I am today I would have laughed straight in their face. In Sept, I was 300 pounds barely walking a mile, as a matter of fact I would have to talk myself through that mile to keep going because my feet and legs hurt so bad it brought me to tears! But now 6 months later I am running 2 miles a day..yes Running! I have shed almost 50 pounds to boot!
The real secret is I never looked to far ahead, I always take things as they come up and focus on one day at a time and one task at a time. If not then it all becomes overwhelming and feels impossible because you don't even know where to start! Which brings me to you...what are your obstacles or should I say excuses. We all have them and we will never move forward until we first reveal the obstacles and then put forth a plan of action to remove them or work with and around them.
I challenge you today, on this snowy Saturday sit down and listen to yourself, pinpoint the things you use as excuses and find a way around them to move forward. If I can accomplish so much in a short time so can you, what are you waiting for? Your life is calling you...answer it!!!
When trying to get healthy it seems we all conveniently find a long list of excuses of why we can't stick with it or even start for that matter!
If someone told me in September that by February I would be where I am today I would have laughed straight in their face. In Sept, I was 300 pounds barely walking a mile, as a matter of fact I would have to talk myself through that mile to keep going because my feet and legs hurt so bad it brought me to tears! But now 6 months later I am running 2 miles a day..yes Running! I have shed almost 50 pounds to boot!
The real secret is I never looked to far ahead, I always take things as they come up and focus on one day at a time and one task at a time. If not then it all becomes overwhelming and feels impossible because you don't even know where to start! Which brings me to you...what are your obstacles or should I say excuses. We all have them and we will never move forward until we first reveal the obstacles and then put forth a plan of action to remove them or work with and around them.
I challenge you today, on this snowy Saturday sit down and listen to yourself, pinpoint the things you use as excuses and find a way around them to move forward. If I can accomplish so much in a short time so can you, what are you waiting for? Your life is calling you...answer it!!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Jump Start your Metabolism
Jump Start your Metabolism
There are thousands of diets on the market, Adkins, Weight Watchers, South Beach and many more. They all have one thing in common after a long period of dieting, no matter which diet it is your metabolism becomes compromised and your weight loss will begin to slow. Have you ever heard people say that they eat tiny amounts but still gain weight or that they can not lose weight without starving themselves by eating like a bird?
Your body determines how much it can eat and maintain it's current body weight by how fast your metabolism is. Have you ever known someone that was as skinny as a rail and could out eat you by double? It's sickening isn't it? Well I have good news for you, having a slow metabolism is not something you have to live with, you can change all that by doing one thing...eating! Yes, you heard me by eating!
It all works like this...If you eat 1200 calories a day and burn 1200 calories then your weight will stay the same. So in order to lose weight you must do one of two things, decrease the amount of calories you take in or simply increase your calorie burn(exercise more). Something really important to remember is when you decrease your calorie intake by dieting your body automatically releases starvation hormones which have a negative impact on your metabolism. It basically is telling your body this, "You are feeding me less, so now you can eat less or you will gain weight" This is why people who are chronic yo yo dieters destroy their metabolism and find it difficult to eat anything without gaining weight. You following me? Email me if I have lost you and you have any questions....
The fix!!!
Yes I know that you are excited about learning how you can fix this terrible situation that all us dieters have found ourselves in. Eating is the most effective way to teach your body to raise your calorie intake without gaining weight. When you up your calorie intake and up your exercise to match you will effectively raise your metabolism so that you will be able to safely diet again without starving yourself.
Example: Over the last 6 weeks I have kept a strict eye on my calorie intake, when I began (6 weeks ago) I had dieted my way down to 1000 calories a day, I could not eat any more than that or I was working in reverse...gaining weight! All the dieting had sunk my metabolism to an all new low. So I began to eat, 1200 calories a day, now normally I would start to gain weight but I didn't because I added extra activity that kept me maintaining the same weight. the next week I ate 1400 calories and did the same with the exercise, I did this all the way up to 2400 calories. Yes, it is a lot of working out and eating, but let me tell you it is worth it! Starting this week I will be back in the mode of dieting and I look forward to seeing that scale start moving once again.
The important thing to remember here is, if you ever need a break from dieting or are finding it hard to lose weight then don't give up, try this method to help restore your metabolism.
There are thousands of diets on the market, Adkins, Weight Watchers, South Beach and many more. They all have one thing in common after a long period of dieting, no matter which diet it is your metabolism becomes compromised and your weight loss will begin to slow. Have you ever heard people say that they eat tiny amounts but still gain weight or that they can not lose weight without starving themselves by eating like a bird?
Your body determines how much it can eat and maintain it's current body weight by how fast your metabolism is. Have you ever known someone that was as skinny as a rail and could out eat you by double? It's sickening isn't it? Well I have good news for you, having a slow metabolism is not something you have to live with, you can change all that by doing one thing...eating! Yes, you heard me by eating!
It all works like this...If you eat 1200 calories a day and burn 1200 calories then your weight will stay the same. So in order to lose weight you must do one of two things, decrease the amount of calories you take in or simply increase your calorie burn(exercise more). Something really important to remember is when you decrease your calorie intake by dieting your body automatically releases starvation hormones which have a negative impact on your metabolism. It basically is telling your body this, "You are feeding me less, so now you can eat less or you will gain weight" This is why people who are chronic yo yo dieters destroy their metabolism and find it difficult to eat anything without gaining weight. You following me? Email me if I have lost you and you have any questions....
The fix!!!
Yes I know that you are excited about learning how you can fix this terrible situation that all us dieters have found ourselves in. Eating is the most effective way to teach your body to raise your calorie intake without gaining weight. When you up your calorie intake and up your exercise to match you will effectively raise your metabolism so that you will be able to safely diet again without starving yourself.
Example: Over the last 6 weeks I have kept a strict eye on my calorie intake, when I began (6 weeks ago) I had dieted my way down to 1000 calories a day, I could not eat any more than that or I was working in reverse...gaining weight! All the dieting had sunk my metabolism to an all new low. So I began to eat, 1200 calories a day, now normally I would start to gain weight but I didn't because I added extra activity that kept me maintaining the same weight. the next week I ate 1400 calories and did the same with the exercise, I did this all the way up to 2400 calories. Yes, it is a lot of working out and eating, but let me tell you it is worth it! Starting this week I will be back in the mode of dieting and I look forward to seeing that scale start moving once again.
The important thing to remember here is, if you ever need a break from dieting or are finding it hard to lose weight then don't give up, try this method to help restore your metabolism.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Your full Proof Way to Success!!
Someone asked me the other day how I was "taking a break from dieting, and managed to NOT gain any weight". One part of the answer was really easy...calories in equals calories out! As I explained before there is no rocket science to losing weight, it is eating less than you burn, just that simple. So as I have taken a break from dieting, I am still being mindful about what goes in my mouth, and if I eat a little too much than I kick my own ass when I work out!
The other part of the question really made me think, she said "Well that's all fine and dandy but how have you kept your emotions in check? What motivates you to do more when you have made a few choices that are out of your plan? It seems so much more easy to just give up at times like that."
My answer was quite simple..."My trainer won't let me give up!"
We have all started a weight loss plan at one time or another with a buddy, we go in all gung ho! Then one of you stumbles and starts to make excuses which leads to a domino effect for the both of you and before you know it, you are both sitting side by side on the couch watching the Notebook while eating cheesecake!
That is why it is important to have a trainer, a professional trainer will not only help to guide you in the right direction but they will keep you motivated and held accountable.When you are at your lowest point and are plagued with self doubt your trainer will step in and show you how much they believe in you. They will never give up on you and won't let you give up on you either. Before you know it, you too will realize that you are invincible and can accomplish whatever you put your mind to, it just takes the little shove from someone who is completely disconnected to the situation, a person who can look from the outside and see your barriers and identify how to remove them.
I can hear the excuses running through your heads now...
1. It's too expensive...this is not true! Many trainers will set you up with a program that you follow and then you see them once every few weeks, it will not cost you any more than what you spend at Dunkin Donuts for your coffee every day. Let's check our priorities!!
2. Trainers are all buff, I am too embarrassed. Bull shit...I was never "buff" and as a matter of fact there are a large number of trainers that became trainers because they too at one time were carrying around a few extra pounds. Do your research, you will find the perfect one for you, and remember it's all a starting point, you will never be where you are again right now.
3. I am too embarrassed to work out in a gym. They will travel to your home and make a specific workout for you using items in your home. A workout can be accomplished anywhere, anytime without any gym equipment and your trainer will help you to improvise.
I am sure you all are wondering WHO my trainer is...above is a picture of her.... It is ME 7 years ago, the one that motivated others to reach their goals. When I am on the treadmill I look at this photo of a woman who successfully trained others and hear the words she used to use...
"You can do this, you are worth it, keep going, I know you have it inside you, dig deep!"
So when I hit a wall on the treadmill I look at her picture and hear her words and it motivates me to push forward, because if she believes in me than I should. Every time I hear her words of encouragement it brings me a little closer to becoming that very person once again, the person who believed in herself and all she could accomplish.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, if you are in the beginning stages then you are not ready to lean on yourself or a "workout buddy". There is no shame in spending time with a person who believes in you. And soon their undeniable belief in you will transfer to you, and you will be accomplishing things you never dreamed possible!
GO GET A TRAINER!!!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Circling the Drain!!
Circling the Drain!!
Hello!!! No I haven't cashed in the chips...given up...and gone back to my crazy overeating ways! I did not want to post until I was ready....so here goes! ;)
Have you ever felt like you were circling the drain? Like you are being sucked in by a black hole and there was nothing you could do about it? That is how I felt a couple of weeks ago...let me start from the beginning.
If you remember I stopped weighing myself because I was becoming obsessed with the number, I was measuring my self worth according to what the scale read, so I took a break, relying on my new found "self respect and self love" to carry me though for a while...I wanted to get back to why I started this journey. Every morning I got out of bed, ran my 2 miles did my weights as usual, but I noticed that I was making a few too many reckless choices with my eating...this put me back into the cycle of guilt over my choices with food. Which made me question how far I had really come on this journey, had I really made any progress at all? Was I slipping back into that black hole that I had lived in for so long?
So now I am teetering, almost ready to cash it in...give up because I don't love myself enough to be "perfect" when it comes to making food choices! Just then I check my email, I had sent in a tape to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser a year ago, and they wanted me to come for an interview and bring somebody with me! Wow! Now I am thinking this is perfect, cause I am circling the drain, ready to just give up once again...this is exactly what I need, someone to lead me in the right direction cause I am so lost!
I ask my daughter to go with me, she is about 80 pounds overweight and needs this desperately too. At the interview I learned a lot, about myself and her. I learned that I am a stronger person that I ever knew, but I am also the person who is primarily responsible for my daughters weight problem. She said that she does not want to even try because she has seen me be extremely successful only to go right back to where I was. She doesn't even want to try because she saw me fail!!! Hello Guilt!!
At that moment my heart sank, I had hit an all time low point in my life, not only had I allowed myself to become a victim but I had brought my daughter with me! Our children have enough to overcome with outside influences, do they really need the people who are close to them giving them a front seat lesson on how to self destruct? We are suppose to be the ones that protect them, love them, show them they put themselves before anyone else. I officially failed, I thought I was a pretty 'ok' parent but at that moment I realized that my lack of self respect had transferred straight down the line to her.
I immediately left there and tried to have my first official binge eating frenzy in 5 months, but the strangest thing occurred, I could not do it, believe me I tried! My body said, "no you have had enough" and my head said, "you are NOT going to self destruct, you are worth more" For the first time in my life I did not turn to food.
Over the next few days, I realized some very important things..
1. I do love myself more than I ever have, making the commitment to exercise every day is an indicator that I have put myself first.
2. I can't go back and change the choices I have made in the past, I can however make better ones in the future.
3. We are all products of our environment, example, when something bad would happen my mom would bring me home a bag of Double Stuff Oreo's and we would sit down and eat the whole bag together to take away the pain. I could choose to blame her and play the victim but I don't. We all have been in certain circumstances at times in our lives, but we can either learn from it and rise above it or choose to live the rest of our lives playing the role of the victim, doomed to repeat history. Choices...we all have choices to make and ownership to accept.
In the end when I took ownership for what I had done, and realized that my daughter must do the same and make her own choice to move forward and not play the role of the victim I felt better about the situation. I also knew at that moment that I was not ready to cash in the chips and in fact I was not circling the drain, actually it was just the opposite, I had found that I did in fact have a little glimmer of light inside me, a faint flash that cared enough to still workout every day and would not allow my head to talk me into a good old fashioned binge. Instead I faced the problems head on and persevered. It's a good feeling to look down that black hole instead of darkness see a gleam of light and I know with time and love the light will get bigger and bigger ;)
Hello!!! No I haven't cashed in the chips...given up...and gone back to my crazy overeating ways! I did not want to post until I was ready....so here goes! ;)
Have you ever felt like you were circling the drain? Like you are being sucked in by a black hole and there was nothing you could do about it? That is how I felt a couple of weeks ago...let me start from the beginning.
If you remember I stopped weighing myself because I was becoming obsessed with the number, I was measuring my self worth according to what the scale read, so I took a break, relying on my new found "self respect and self love" to carry me though for a while...I wanted to get back to why I started this journey. Every morning I got out of bed, ran my 2 miles did my weights as usual, but I noticed that I was making a few too many reckless choices with my eating...this put me back into the cycle of guilt over my choices with food. Which made me question how far I had really come on this journey, had I really made any progress at all? Was I slipping back into that black hole that I had lived in for so long?
So now I am teetering, almost ready to cash it in...give up because I don't love myself enough to be "perfect" when it comes to making food choices! Just then I check my email, I had sent in a tape to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser a year ago, and they wanted me to come for an interview and bring somebody with me! Wow! Now I am thinking this is perfect, cause I am circling the drain, ready to just give up once again...this is exactly what I need, someone to lead me in the right direction cause I am so lost!
I ask my daughter to go with me, she is about 80 pounds overweight and needs this desperately too. At the interview I learned a lot, about myself and her. I learned that I am a stronger person that I ever knew, but I am also the person who is primarily responsible for my daughters weight problem. She said that she does not want to even try because she has seen me be extremely successful only to go right back to where I was. She doesn't even want to try because she saw me fail!!! Hello Guilt!!
At that moment my heart sank, I had hit an all time low point in my life, not only had I allowed myself to become a victim but I had brought my daughter with me! Our children have enough to overcome with outside influences, do they really need the people who are close to them giving them a front seat lesson on how to self destruct? We are suppose to be the ones that protect them, love them, show them they put themselves before anyone else. I officially failed, I thought I was a pretty 'ok' parent but at that moment I realized that my lack of self respect had transferred straight down the line to her.
I immediately left there and tried to have my first official binge eating frenzy in 5 months, but the strangest thing occurred, I could not do it, believe me I tried! My body said, "no you have had enough" and my head said, "you are NOT going to self destruct, you are worth more" For the first time in my life I did not turn to food.
Over the next few days, I realized some very important things..
1. I do love myself more than I ever have, making the commitment to exercise every day is an indicator that I have put myself first.
2. I can't go back and change the choices I have made in the past, I can however make better ones in the future.
3. We are all products of our environment, example, when something bad would happen my mom would bring me home a bag of Double Stuff Oreo's and we would sit down and eat the whole bag together to take away the pain. I could choose to blame her and play the victim but I don't. We all have been in certain circumstances at times in our lives, but we can either learn from it and rise above it or choose to live the rest of our lives playing the role of the victim, doomed to repeat history. Choices...we all have choices to make and ownership to accept.
In the end when I took ownership for what I had done, and realized that my daughter must do the same and make her own choice to move forward and not play the role of the victim I felt better about the situation. I also knew at that moment that I was not ready to cash in the chips and in fact I was not circling the drain, actually it was just the opposite, I had found that I did in fact have a little glimmer of light inside me, a faint flash that cared enough to still workout every day and would not allow my head to talk me into a good old fashioned binge. Instead I faced the problems head on and persevered. It's a good feeling to look down that black hole instead of darkness see a gleam of light and I know with time and love the light will get bigger and bigger ;)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
What a Feeling!!
What a Feeling!!
Have you ever heard that song What a Feeling from Flashdance? I love that song! I was listening to it today as I broke yet another personal record on my treadmill. Hearing it not only brings me back to some very wonderful 80's memories but also sends me a message that anything is possible when you believe. Here are just a few lyrics:
First when there's nothing
but a slow glowing dream
that your fear seems to hide
deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel
and of stone
What a feeling
Bein's believien
I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life!!
Take your passion make it happen!
That is exactly how I feel! I can have it all, I may not be dancing for my life, but for the first time I feel like I am loving my life. (I will admit I did have a "flashdance moment" in my basement when I went past my record!! I was dancing like a fool to old Irene Cara!!)
Today was weigh in day, I am usually so focused on the scales and what the outcome will be that I won't even have a sip of water before jumping on them. Now that I have changed my focus to self love and self respect I have to say that I am feeling much more joy in my life. I have taken the stress out of losing weight, my new every other week weigh in helps me to stay focused, but it forces me make decisions based on caring about myself instead of the fear of the number on the scale.
You can feel a certain amount of joy when you step on the scale and see a 2 or 3 pound loss but there is no better feeling like breaking a personal fitness goal. Just a little over 3 months ago walking one mile was very painful, now I am jogging two. I was walking a 21 minute mile, now I am now jogging a 14 min mile! When sitting on the floor I had to waddle on my knees across the floor to the couch to pull myself up, not any more I just stand. It was impossible to squat and stand back up, now I can go straight to the floor and up. When I took a shower I would try to shave my legs and my ass was so large it would pop the shower door open, not now...it stays shut and I don't even touch it!!
What a feeling I say, there is no bigger reward than the way it makes you feel to succeed in every day life. So today when I usually would be on the scale focusing on how "good" or "bad" I had been, instead I was down stairs on the treadmill beating my record, proving to myself I had what it took to succeed! Who needs the damn scales? Not me!!
For those of you out there who are doubting yourself, let me tell you I have been there. It may seem hard but you are the only one who can change it, and it can be done! xoxoxo to you all!!
Have you ever heard that song What a Feeling from Flashdance? I love that song! I was listening to it today as I broke yet another personal record on my treadmill. Hearing it not only brings me back to some very wonderful 80's memories but also sends me a message that anything is possible when you believe. Here are just a few lyrics:
First when there's nothing
but a slow glowing dream
that your fear seems to hide
deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel
and of stone
What a feeling
Bein's believien
I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life!!
Take your passion make it happen!
That is exactly how I feel! I can have it all, I may not be dancing for my life, but for the first time I feel like I am loving my life. (I will admit I did have a "flashdance moment" in my basement when I went past my record!! I was dancing like a fool to old Irene Cara!!)
Today was weigh in day, I am usually so focused on the scales and what the outcome will be that I won't even have a sip of water before jumping on them. Now that I have changed my focus to self love and self respect I have to say that I am feeling much more joy in my life. I have taken the stress out of losing weight, my new every other week weigh in helps me to stay focused, but it forces me make decisions based on caring about myself instead of the fear of the number on the scale.
You can feel a certain amount of joy when you step on the scale and see a 2 or 3 pound loss but there is no better feeling like breaking a personal fitness goal. Just a little over 3 months ago walking one mile was very painful, now I am jogging two. I was walking a 21 minute mile, now I am now jogging a 14 min mile! When sitting on the floor I had to waddle on my knees across the floor to the couch to pull myself up, not any more I just stand. It was impossible to squat and stand back up, now I can go straight to the floor and up. When I took a shower I would try to shave my legs and my ass was so large it would pop the shower door open, not now...it stays shut and I don't even touch it!!
What a feeling I say, there is no bigger reward than the way it makes you feel to succeed in every day life. So today when I usually would be on the scale focusing on how "good" or "bad" I had been, instead I was down stairs on the treadmill beating my record, proving to myself I had what it took to succeed! Who needs the damn scales? Not me!!
For those of you out there who are doubting yourself, let me tell you I have been there. It may seem hard but you are the only one who can change it, and it can be done! xoxoxo to you all!!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Why I did not Weigh In
Why I did not Weigh In
When I started this 365 day journey I had one goal in sight, to learn to love myself enough to make the best choices for my body. A well known author Geneene Roth, believes that you should NEVER diet, it only makes you feel worse about yourself. She also teaches that if we love ourselves enough then we will make choices that are conducive to a healthy lifestyle leading us to our natural body weight. To sum it all up, it is finding that space inside that holds your unconditional love for yourself.
That is my goal, to find that place where I don't need the rigid perimeters of a structured diet or the ever looming date with the scales on every Thursday to keep me in line. I want to love and respect myself enough so that my healthy choices are not something I have to talk myself into but they become a natural way of life. Which brings me to why I did not get on the scales this Thursday, no it was not because I gained! It was because I am feeling strong enough to start weening myself off these crutches. I feel as though I am stepping into a new space where I am treating myself better because for the first time I believe that I deserve better.
Now, I am not saying that it is going to be easy because let me tell you, it is pretty easy to say no to a piece of chocolate cake when you know that you are stepping on the scales the very next day and broadcasting the picture on the world wide web! Let me tell you nothing says "don't eat the friggin cake!!" then knowing people are watching you. But the fact of the matter is, this journey is really about the relationship I have with myself and not all my readers.(don't get me wrong I LOVE you all!!) But If I don't repair my self worth and find self love then when my 365 day journey is over with you all, I will just fall back once again because I have been using you as my accountability meters. It is time to stand on my own two feet and show myself that I am worth making these decisions without having to be forced to do it.
So you are probably wondering what my plan is...I am planning on weighing in every other week for a while until I am strong enough to weigh in once a month, until one day I will throw out my scales forever! By the end of these 365 days it is my plan to live my life without walls, no diets, no scales just self love and that is what will bring me to my body's true healthy weight.
When I started this 365 day journey I had one goal in sight, to learn to love myself enough to make the best choices for my body. A well known author Geneene Roth, believes that you should NEVER diet, it only makes you feel worse about yourself. She also teaches that if we love ourselves enough then we will make choices that are conducive to a healthy lifestyle leading us to our natural body weight. To sum it all up, it is finding that space inside that holds your unconditional love for yourself.
That is my goal, to find that place where I don't need the rigid perimeters of a structured diet or the ever looming date with the scales on every Thursday to keep me in line. I want to love and respect myself enough so that my healthy choices are not something I have to talk myself into but they become a natural way of life. Which brings me to why I did not get on the scales this Thursday, no it was not because I gained! It was because I am feeling strong enough to start weening myself off these crutches. I feel as though I am stepping into a new space where I am treating myself better because for the first time I believe that I deserve better.
Now, I am not saying that it is going to be easy because let me tell you, it is pretty easy to say no to a piece of chocolate cake when you know that you are stepping on the scales the very next day and broadcasting the picture on the world wide web! Let me tell you nothing says "don't eat the friggin cake!!" then knowing people are watching you. But the fact of the matter is, this journey is really about the relationship I have with myself and not all my readers.(don't get me wrong I LOVE you all!!) But If I don't repair my self worth and find self love then when my 365 day journey is over with you all, I will just fall back once again because I have been using you as my accountability meters. It is time to stand on my own two feet and show myself that I am worth making these decisions without having to be forced to do it.
So you are probably wondering what my plan is...I am planning on weighing in every other week for a while until I am strong enough to weigh in once a month, until one day I will throw out my scales forever! By the end of these 365 days it is my plan to live my life without walls, no diets, no scales just self love and that is what will bring me to my body's true healthy weight.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The Mind and Body Connection
The Mind and Body Connection
In my work as a Massage Therapist one of the most important things I do is teach my clients about the undeniable connection between the mind and body. Our bodies model exactly what our mind sees and feels. For example if your mind is saying "oh I am so sore and I hurt all over" then guess what, your body exhibits that behavior. Another example...Have you ever met a hypochondriac? You know that they "have" every ailment that you have, right? Whether it is a hangnail or a heart attack, they have it and it is wayyy worse that yours! The real problem lies is the fact that they keep manifesting these diseases in their mind, eventually the body catches up and believes what the mind is putting out there and becomes sick!
Remember when I wrote in my blog a few months ago about how I talk to myself when I walk? I tell myself how amazing I am, and how my feet and legs are so strong and yes I can keep going..even when I just want to give in. These conversations transfer directly from my mind to my body and I have recently found myself in a whole different realm during my exercise routines. Not only have I beat all my personal records, but as I am working out I find myself in a space where I know and believe that I can accomplish anything. During that moment something inside opens up, it is as if I have tapped into a form of greatness that I have seen in the eyes of others but always longed for in myself. That exact time and space, I want to capture in my every day life experiences, not only on the treadmill. I will find it I am sure, but for now I will keep running with my feet while keeping my mind wide open to the possibility that greatness is out there for me to grab;)
In my work as a Massage Therapist one of the most important things I do is teach my clients about the undeniable connection between the mind and body. Our bodies model exactly what our mind sees and feels. For example if your mind is saying "oh I am so sore and I hurt all over" then guess what, your body exhibits that behavior. Another example...Have you ever met a hypochondriac? You know that they "have" every ailment that you have, right? Whether it is a hangnail or a heart attack, they have it and it is wayyy worse that yours! The real problem lies is the fact that they keep manifesting these diseases in their mind, eventually the body catches up and believes what the mind is putting out there and becomes sick!
Remember when I wrote in my blog a few months ago about how I talk to myself when I walk? I tell myself how amazing I am, and how my feet and legs are so strong and yes I can keep going..even when I just want to give in. These conversations transfer directly from my mind to my body and I have recently found myself in a whole different realm during my exercise routines. Not only have I beat all my personal records, but as I am working out I find myself in a space where I know and believe that I can accomplish anything. During that moment something inside opens up, it is as if I have tapped into a form of greatness that I have seen in the eyes of others but always longed for in myself. That exact time and space, I want to capture in my every day life experiences, not only on the treadmill. I will find it I am sure, but for now I will keep running with my feet while keeping my mind wide open to the possibility that greatness is out there for me to grab;)
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