Distorted Body Image

Distorted Body Image

I am struggling with the same old thing that has held me back every time I have lost weight in the past...a distorted view of my body. It makes no matter how much I weigh I still see myself as a 300 pound woman. Last time when I lost the weight I weighed 170 pounds and felt like I could barely fit through the door! When in reality I was smokin hot!!!

I remember looking at pictures of myself and thinking, "who the hell is that??" It was me, and I didn't even recognize myself, now keep in mind I kept the weight off for a few years so you would think after a while I would have settled into my new body but sadly I never did. I remember one day going into Lane Bryant, I was looking for something nice to wear to a function but oddly could not fit into any of their clothes! What a weird feeling it was to go to the rack pick up the size I "thought" I was...the size that I "saw" myself being, and each piece fell straight to the floor! I had outgrown the plus size store! Now most of you would think...Yeah!! But not me I was petrified!

I think that this fat suit we wear is to cover up our true self, it helps us to bury who we really are, because left out in the open we are vulnerable to the whole world.  We believe that we are protecting ourselves, when in reality we are really hiding, never allowing the world to see who we really are...why?? Fear, fear of being hurt, ridiculed, rejected by society so if they never know who we really are then they can't hurt us right? Not true, no matter how much we cover it up our feelings and fears lie on the top of that suit and all we have done is given ourselves one more hurdle to overcome in life.

So the last time I lost the weight, I never saw the actual image of what I looked like...the true image of who I really was. As of now I have almost reached a loss of 70 pounds, although I have made many gains along this journey I once again, have hit a brick wall when it comes to seeing myself for who I really am physically. I feel that I have grown in so many ways, learning about why I eat, how I eat also teaching myself that it is ok to love myself, but for some reason I still can't see the real me.

When I walk down the street I see a shadow and I don't recognize that person...I go to the store and pick up clothes that are 3 sizes too big so I have to keep going back for smaller ones, until eventually I find myself crying in the dressing room...tears of joy of course, but baffled at why I have such a distorted sense of what I look like! I wonder why when I look in the mirror I still see that fat girl that picks apart every little area that still needs work.

I have decided that this time I will fix this problem once and for all. I am going to learn to love each and every part of my body, and not only will I love it I will see it where it is right now at this very moment. I am not a fan of keeping reminders of our "fat days" but I think it is important for me to see how far I have come, so I am printing off a picture of me in the beginning of this journey and pasting it to my full length mirror. I feel I need to remind myself of where I am and how far I have made it...a daily pat on the back will hopefully help me jump into a whole new perception of what I look like as well as be a continual reminder that I deserve each and every joyous moment!

Have a fabulous day my friends!!!