One year ago yesterday I sat in front of my computer with a bag of Oreos and tears rolling down my face not knowing why I used food deal with all my problems. At that moment I polished off the bag and wrote my first blog and posted my first weight photo for the whole facebook world to see. I remember feeling so lost and desperate to change this cycle in my life and I really had no clue as to where to begin...so I chose the "get real" approach, I needed to stop hiding.
One year later I spent the very same day making my way up the tallest mountain in Maine, Mount Katahdin. During all the preparation for this trip I kept telling myself how devastated I would be if I didn't make it to the top...and the weather became too dangerous about 3/4 of the way up so we had to turn back. Was I devastated? Not at all...I learned so much about myself along this journey that the summit did not matter.
I thought in the beginning that when I reached the summit I would have this great big epiphany but I realized throughout the day that it wasn't summiting that would charge that greatness, I already possessed it inside, it was me that had to unlock that door, not the summit! There is greatness inside us all and no one else will find it for you, you have to dig deep and recognize your own gifts and that paves the way for amazing things to happen in your life.
I will say I learned a lot more about myself yesterday...I don't give up anymore. There were times when we were scrambling boulders that were bigger than we were! I wanted to throw in the towel! I even started crying twice!! But I didn't give up, I forged ahead...as I did over the last year. In the past I would repeat the old patterns out of fear, yes I feared the unknown. But what I didn't realize was that the unknown was not scary at all as a matter of fact it was quite blissful! I just had to take a leap of faith and forge through all those fears.
Let me tell ya I faced one fear after another yesterday! I have a major fear of slippery rocks when I hike...Thank you Mount Katahdin...I am over that one because you poured like buckets on us!! I have always been afraid of heights...no longer!!! I feared that I may have to turn back because I physically could not make it...if the weather hadn't set it I would have been to the top! One year ago I also feared I would never live a life without walls, a life where food didn't rule every step I took. I faced that fear one day at a time and look at me today.... 70 pounds lighter climbing mountains! If you are still stuck in that spot I was in 1 year ago I urge you to make one change today, just take one little step each day, it is not something that happens over night just take it one step at a time just like I did the mountain.
Now many people have asked me....what is the key? Where do I start...because starting is the hardest part...which diet...which exercise?? The key is self love. Don't worry about diets, weight programs...you have tried them all...seriously what do you have to lose? It really is just that simple allow yourself to love yourself, accept yourself and all your qualities, and then...and only then will you start living the life that you deserve. After a while your patterns will change you will see how badly you treat yourself and those patterns will stop when you start of love yourself...you will start to naturally make the choices with food and exercise that you know your body deserves. Drop the fear of change, open doors, the same doors that we have shut out of fear, because I am here to tell you that when you do your life will change and you will see things with new eyes!! I love you all!! Thanks for supporting me on my journey...the journey is not over but this will be my last post...I have however started a list of 10 things I would have never done before I lost the weight and I plan to do them all so I will post them on my website www.nikkilook.com so check it out!! Feel free to email me if you ever are stuck and need a few words of encouragement sendoutlove@gmail.com
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Molting
Molting
I was hiking with a friend the other day and had quite the awaking. As we are hiking along I am behind her and as she zips along the steep, rough terrain like she is on a leisurely stroll through the park...hello... we are climbing a mountain...she does not even stop to catch her breath! Me...I look and sound like I am in serious need of a medivac!
As we are teetering on the steep embankment catching "my" breath...I realized something...My personal best is NOT her personal best. Every persons circumstances are different...she is a person who can run upwards of 10 miles...is ten years younger than me...and weighs at least 70 pounds less than I do! We both are in very different places with our physical body, and that's ok.
You have to understand that whatever I do I have to be GREAT in! I am not a slacker and I want to be the best or I don't even bother trying...so my personal best has got to be better than whoever is considered "the best". It can be very exhausting never giving yourself a break, my expectations for myself have always been very unrealistic!
Now, I do believe that we have to set the bar high in life or we will never go far, but we have to learn to accept ourselves for the individuals that we are before we can move forward. So as I stood hanging on that side of the cliff I had my ah ha moment... for the first time I was completely content with who and where I was in life. I took a brief glance back at where I was just one year ago...I was lost, stuck inside this fat suit I had built to protect myself from the world. I used Oreos to deal with life's ups and downs and did not feel like I would ever conquer this problem I was faced with every day. My days were filled with a blackness that I was sure would never leave.
And today... 11 months later... I was standing on a mountain, molting from the suit that held me back in so many ways. I realized that I don't have to be the best hiker out there, I just have to do my personal best. Anyone can get to the top of the mountain...it does not matter how you got there or how long it took, because it is the steps you took along the path that molds who you are today. And whoever that person is...love and accept them...that is the key to moving forward without barriers. Love is all you need;)
I was hiking with a friend the other day and had quite the awaking. As we are hiking along I am behind her and as she zips along the steep, rough terrain like she is on a leisurely stroll through the park...hello... we are climbing a mountain...she does not even stop to catch her breath! Me...I look and sound like I am in serious need of a medivac!
As we are teetering on the steep embankment catching "my" breath...I realized something...My personal best is NOT her personal best. Every persons circumstances are different...she is a person who can run upwards of 10 miles...is ten years younger than me...and weighs at least 70 pounds less than I do! We both are in very different places with our physical body, and that's ok.
You have to understand that whatever I do I have to be GREAT in! I am not a slacker and I want to be the best or I don't even bother trying...so my personal best has got to be better than whoever is considered "the best". It can be very exhausting never giving yourself a break, my expectations for myself have always been very unrealistic!
Now, I do believe that we have to set the bar high in life or we will never go far, but we have to learn to accept ourselves for the individuals that we are before we can move forward. So as I stood hanging on that side of the cliff I had my ah ha moment... for the first time I was completely content with who and where I was in life. I took a brief glance back at where I was just one year ago...I was lost, stuck inside this fat suit I had built to protect myself from the world. I used Oreos to deal with life's ups and downs and did not feel like I would ever conquer this problem I was faced with every day. My days were filled with a blackness that I was sure would never leave.
And today... 11 months later... I was standing on a mountain, molting from the suit that held me back in so many ways. I realized that I don't have to be the best hiker out there, I just have to do my personal best. Anyone can get to the top of the mountain...it does not matter how you got there or how long it took, because it is the steps you took along the path that molds who you are today. And whoever that person is...love and accept them...that is the key to moving forward without barriers. Love is all you need;)
Friday, July 6, 2012
Life's Little Tests
Life's Little Tests
Since I started this journey 10 months ago I have to say life has thrown me a few curves. I started with overcoming the physical obstacles that make it difficult to exercise when you are over 300 pounds and with time and perseverance I blew through it and moved on. I then lost an uncle, and remember for an emotional eater, this type of life changing event is a true test of where your at.
Skipping forward hoping for a little reprieve I immediately was hit with the removal of one of my organs! Surgery...this meant no exercise...and now I could eat anything I wanted because I felt better! I did eventually move past that without throwing in the towel only to be thrown from the frying pan into the fire when my husband was out of work for two months due to the economic downturn...this means I have been working 10-12 hour days for months now!!
Thinking that I would take a break from the drama I totally spaced that I had to graduate both of my daughters...oh yes lets face the fact that your baby is leaving home!! Ok, so you are thinking she has made it through a lot without giving in right? Then my best friends fathers dies...there is nothing you can do for the ones you love except be there. The stress of feeling their pain and being completely helpless is the worst feeling in the world. It reminds me of when your child is crying because something has happened and you would just give anything to take that pain from them..you want to experience it instead of them.
All of these things are tests, I believe life will keep throwing you little tests until you have properly passed them. I know the reason I have been heavy all my life, and it's because I use food to cope and drown all my cares, some use alcohol or drugs but I used to use food. During these times of stress I would always find myself with a bag of oreo's and a jug of milk...yesterday after the funeral I found myself sitting on the couch craving a hike...not an oreo but a hike ;) I could feel every inch of my body wanting to hike to the top of something, I wanted to show that mountain/hill that I was in control. This is what I do to clear my head now... anything that will get my blood pumping I have found, will melt away the stress far better than a bag of oreos. So go ahead life keep throwing me stress cause I have found a way to deal over and over again WITHOUT FOOD!
If you too stress eat...I have to give some pretty blunt advice...you can sit there and cry about it and make excuses about why you do it but that is not fixing the problem. It is as simple as just NOT doing it...give yourself the respect that you deserve...pick a new way to unload your stress. Yes that sounds simple right? It truly is..we make things way more difficult than they need to be. Trust me, after a while of replacing this habit with another "healthy" way to deal with stress you will begin to crave that "healthy stress reliever". So basically you just have to stop whining and do it!! That is exactly what I did and I know you can do it too. Remember when you email me it's private;) sendoutlove@gmail.com
Since I started this journey 10 months ago I have to say life has thrown me a few curves. I started with overcoming the physical obstacles that make it difficult to exercise when you are over 300 pounds and with time and perseverance I blew through it and moved on. I then lost an uncle, and remember for an emotional eater, this type of life changing event is a true test of where your at.
Skipping forward hoping for a little reprieve I immediately was hit with the removal of one of my organs! Surgery...this meant no exercise...and now I could eat anything I wanted because I felt better! I did eventually move past that without throwing in the towel only to be thrown from the frying pan into the fire when my husband was out of work for two months due to the economic downturn...this means I have been working 10-12 hour days for months now!!
Thinking that I would take a break from the drama I totally spaced that I had to graduate both of my daughters...oh yes lets face the fact that your baby is leaving home!! Ok, so you are thinking she has made it through a lot without giving in right? Then my best friends fathers dies...there is nothing you can do for the ones you love except be there. The stress of feeling their pain and being completely helpless is the worst feeling in the world. It reminds me of when your child is crying because something has happened and you would just give anything to take that pain from them..you want to experience it instead of them.
All of these things are tests, I believe life will keep throwing you little tests until you have properly passed them. I know the reason I have been heavy all my life, and it's because I use food to cope and drown all my cares, some use alcohol or drugs but I used to use food. During these times of stress I would always find myself with a bag of oreo's and a jug of milk...yesterday after the funeral I found myself sitting on the couch craving a hike...not an oreo but a hike ;) I could feel every inch of my body wanting to hike to the top of something, I wanted to show that mountain/hill that I was in control. This is what I do to clear my head now... anything that will get my blood pumping I have found, will melt away the stress far better than a bag of oreos. So go ahead life keep throwing me stress cause I have found a way to deal over and over again WITHOUT FOOD!
If you too stress eat...I have to give some pretty blunt advice...you can sit there and cry about it and make excuses about why you do it but that is not fixing the problem. It is as simple as just NOT doing it...give yourself the respect that you deserve...pick a new way to unload your stress. Yes that sounds simple right? It truly is..we make things way more difficult than they need to be. Trust me, after a while of replacing this habit with another "healthy" way to deal with stress you will begin to crave that "healthy stress reliever". So basically you just have to stop whining and do it!! That is exactly what I did and I know you can do it too. Remember when you email me it's private;) sendoutlove@gmail.com
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Class Reunion
20 Year Class Reunion
Last weekend I attended my 20 year class reunion. The first thing I have to say is how much I love all the people in my class...we are wild and crazy people with the biggest hearts I have ever seen! The thing I love most about my class was the fact that everyone accepted each other for who they were, there was no big displays of who "became" more or who "has" more...just genuine excitement to spend time with one another. I guess that is what I would have to label the Narraguagus class of 1992 ... just plain genuine :)
It has been 20 years, so as you can imagine the big questions pop up...holy crap what am I going to wear...oh god, look how skinny I was 20 years ago...everyone is going to think I am a fat slob!
NOPE! Not this time! I just threw on a fresh outfit that my daughter helped me pick out and went. I threw all my insecurities out the door and went with the attitude that I was just going to be myself. All through high school I always set back and let others make decisions and stand in the light because I was afraid to show the world who I really was due to my fear of rejection. I think about it now and realize how sad my life was then, but how lucky I was to have friends that saw beyond all my insecurities, even when I didn't have the strength to.
So I went to my class reunion with my head held high determined to show my class the real "me", what little did I know was, they already knew me, I was the only one who is just meeting her for the first time ;) All of the inadequecy I used to feel has been replaced with a strong sense of wholeness... that has forever paved a new road for me to travel on...a much smoother road I must say;)
Thanks so much my loving class of 1992 and thanks to me...for learning that it's ok to be afraid, it's what you do with that fear that defines you.
Last weekend I attended my 20 year class reunion. The first thing I have to say is how much I love all the people in my class...we are wild and crazy people with the biggest hearts I have ever seen! The thing I love most about my class was the fact that everyone accepted each other for who they were, there was no big displays of who "became" more or who "has" more...just genuine excitement to spend time with one another. I guess that is what I would have to label the Narraguagus class of 1992 ... just plain genuine :)
It has been 20 years, so as you can imagine the big questions pop up...holy crap what am I going to wear...oh god, look how skinny I was 20 years ago...everyone is going to think I am a fat slob!
NOPE! Not this time! I just threw on a fresh outfit that my daughter helped me pick out and went. I threw all my insecurities out the door and went with the attitude that I was just going to be myself. All through high school I always set back and let others make decisions and stand in the light because I was afraid to show the world who I really was due to my fear of rejection. I think about it now and realize how sad my life was then, but how lucky I was to have friends that saw beyond all my insecurities, even when I didn't have the strength to.
So I went to my class reunion with my head held high determined to show my class the real "me", what little did I know was, they already knew me, I was the only one who is just meeting her for the first time ;) All of the inadequecy I used to feel has been replaced with a strong sense of wholeness... that has forever paved a new road for me to travel on...a much smoother road I must say;)
Thanks so much my loving class of 1992 and thanks to me...for learning that it's ok to be afraid, it's what you do with that fear that defines you.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Distorted Body Image
Distorted Body Image
I am struggling with the same old thing that has held me back every time I have lost weight in the past...a distorted view of my body. It makes no matter how much I weigh I still see myself as a 300 pound woman. Last time when I lost the weight I weighed 170 pounds and felt like I could barely fit through the door! When in reality I was smokin hot!!!
I remember looking at pictures of myself and thinking, "who the hell is that??" It was me, and I didn't even recognize myself, now keep in mind I kept the weight off for a few years so you would think after a while I would have settled into my new body but sadly I never did. I remember one day going into Lane Bryant, I was looking for something nice to wear to a function but oddly could not fit into any of their clothes! What a weird feeling it was to go to the rack pick up the size I "thought" I was...the size that I "saw" myself being, and each piece fell straight to the floor! I had outgrown the plus size store! Now most of you would think...Yeah!! But not me I was petrified!
I think that this fat suit we wear is to cover up our true self, it helps us to bury who we really are, because left out in the open we are vulnerable to the whole world. We believe that we are protecting ourselves, when in reality we are really hiding, never allowing the world to see who we really are...why?? Fear, fear of being hurt, ridiculed, rejected by society so if they never know who we really are then they can't hurt us right? Not true, no matter how much we cover it up our feelings and fears lie on the top of that suit and all we have done is given ourselves one more hurdle to overcome in life.
So the last time I lost the weight, I never saw the actual image of what I looked like...the true image of who I really was. As of now I have almost reached a loss of 70 pounds, although I have made many gains along this journey I once again, have hit a brick wall when it comes to seeing myself for who I really am physically. I feel that I have grown in so many ways, learning about why I eat, how I eat also teaching myself that it is ok to love myself, but for some reason I still can't see the real me.
When I walk down the street I see a shadow and I don't recognize that person...I go to the store and pick up clothes that are 3 sizes too big so I have to keep going back for smaller ones, until eventually I find myself crying in the dressing room...tears of joy of course, but baffled at why I have such a distorted sense of what I look like! I wonder why when I look in the mirror I still see that fat girl that picks apart every little area that still needs work.
I have decided that this time I will fix this problem once and for all. I am going to learn to love each and every part of my body, and not only will I love it I will see it where it is right now at this very moment. I am not a fan of keeping reminders of our "fat days" but I think it is important for me to see how far I have come, so I am printing off a picture of me in the beginning of this journey and pasting it to my full length mirror. I feel I need to remind myself of where I am and how far I have made it...a daily pat on the back will hopefully help me jump into a whole new perception of what I look like as well as be a continual reminder that I deserve each and every joyous moment!
Have a fabulous day my friends!!!
I am struggling with the same old thing that has held me back every time I have lost weight in the past...a distorted view of my body. It makes no matter how much I weigh I still see myself as a 300 pound woman. Last time when I lost the weight I weighed 170 pounds and felt like I could barely fit through the door! When in reality I was smokin hot!!!
I remember looking at pictures of myself and thinking, "who the hell is that??" It was me, and I didn't even recognize myself, now keep in mind I kept the weight off for a few years so you would think after a while I would have settled into my new body but sadly I never did. I remember one day going into Lane Bryant, I was looking for something nice to wear to a function but oddly could not fit into any of their clothes! What a weird feeling it was to go to the rack pick up the size I "thought" I was...the size that I "saw" myself being, and each piece fell straight to the floor! I had outgrown the plus size store! Now most of you would think...Yeah!! But not me I was petrified!
I think that this fat suit we wear is to cover up our true self, it helps us to bury who we really are, because left out in the open we are vulnerable to the whole world. We believe that we are protecting ourselves, when in reality we are really hiding, never allowing the world to see who we really are...why?? Fear, fear of being hurt, ridiculed, rejected by society so if they never know who we really are then they can't hurt us right? Not true, no matter how much we cover it up our feelings and fears lie on the top of that suit and all we have done is given ourselves one more hurdle to overcome in life.
So the last time I lost the weight, I never saw the actual image of what I looked like...the true image of who I really was. As of now I have almost reached a loss of 70 pounds, although I have made many gains along this journey I once again, have hit a brick wall when it comes to seeing myself for who I really am physically. I feel that I have grown in so many ways, learning about why I eat, how I eat also teaching myself that it is ok to love myself, but for some reason I still can't see the real me.
When I walk down the street I see a shadow and I don't recognize that person...I go to the store and pick up clothes that are 3 sizes too big so I have to keep going back for smaller ones, until eventually I find myself crying in the dressing room...tears of joy of course, but baffled at why I have such a distorted sense of what I look like! I wonder why when I look in the mirror I still see that fat girl that picks apart every little area that still needs work.
I have decided that this time I will fix this problem once and for all. I am going to learn to love each and every part of my body, and not only will I love it I will see it where it is right now at this very moment. I am not a fan of keeping reminders of our "fat days" but I think it is important for me to see how far I have come, so I am printing off a picture of me in the beginning of this journey and pasting it to my full length mirror. I feel I need to remind myself of where I am and how far I have made it...a daily pat on the back will hopefully help me jump into a whole new perception of what I look like as well as be a continual reminder that I deserve each and every joyous moment!
Have a fabulous day my friends!!!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Defining Moments
Defining Moments
Dr. Phil says that we have a few defining moments in our lives. These moments or experiences are what form us into the person we become. These defining moments can be big, small, good or even bad, never the less we allow them to lay the groundwork for how we live our lives. I had one of these moments the other day.
As you all know by now, food was my drug, so when I used to struggle with something I would immediately turn to food to help me ease the pain or avoid the issue at hand. Last week I was having a terrible day, well week really everything that could go wrong seemed like it did and I finally broke down! I was at work in Bar Harbor and realizing that I was not in the right state of mind to give a good treatment to my very deserving clients, I knew I just had to get my head back into the game before they showed up.
My first thought was...I need to go walk this off...so I walked directly out the door and started walking, the faster I walked feeling the cool ocean air on my face, the better I felt. I walked down Cottage Street onto Main...and immediately it hit me! The sweet smell of Ben and Bills!! At that moment I just stopped on the sidewalk and stared at the store, I could not believe what I had done!
Last September when I felt this way, I would have got in the car, drove down and bought a huge slab of fudge and ate it real fast on my way back to the office so no one could see. But no, not this time, this time my mind immediately told me to walk it off, get some exercise. I had adopted new habits and ways of dealing with life's ups and downs! I was subconsciously treating myself with respect...I automatically leaned toward loving behavior...without even having to work at it!! This was a defining moment for me, it was the first time that I had conformation that I had moved forward in my life. I was not the same helpless person that was standing inside the doors of Ben and Bills less than a year ago, this time I was the strong, self respecting person standing on the outside with a great big grin :)
With tears of joy in my eyes and my huge grin, I walked right by and on the way back through it was even easier to keep moving because with every step I knew that I was walking towards a life that was whole.
For all you stress eaters out there, don't give up, take baby steps and give yourself big pats on the back when an accomplishment is made, and when you stumble do not give yourself an emotional beating. Every day it will get easier I promise!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Dr. Phil says that we have a few defining moments in our lives. These moments or experiences are what form us into the person we become. These defining moments can be big, small, good or even bad, never the less we allow them to lay the groundwork for how we live our lives. I had one of these moments the other day.
As you all know by now, food was my drug, so when I used to struggle with something I would immediately turn to food to help me ease the pain or avoid the issue at hand. Last week I was having a terrible day, well week really everything that could go wrong seemed like it did and I finally broke down! I was at work in Bar Harbor and realizing that I was not in the right state of mind to give a good treatment to my very deserving clients, I knew I just had to get my head back into the game before they showed up.
My first thought was...I need to go walk this off...so I walked directly out the door and started walking, the faster I walked feeling the cool ocean air on my face, the better I felt. I walked down Cottage Street onto Main...and immediately it hit me! The sweet smell of Ben and Bills!! At that moment I just stopped on the sidewalk and stared at the store, I could not believe what I had done!
Last September when I felt this way, I would have got in the car, drove down and bought a huge slab of fudge and ate it real fast on my way back to the office so no one could see. But no, not this time, this time my mind immediately told me to walk it off, get some exercise. I had adopted new habits and ways of dealing with life's ups and downs! I was subconsciously treating myself with respect...I automatically leaned toward loving behavior...without even having to work at it!! This was a defining moment for me, it was the first time that I had conformation that I had moved forward in my life. I was not the same helpless person that was standing inside the doors of Ben and Bills less than a year ago, this time I was the strong, self respecting person standing on the outside with a great big grin :)
With tears of joy in my eyes and my huge grin, I walked right by and on the way back through it was even easier to keep moving because with every step I knew that I was walking towards a life that was whole.
For all you stress eaters out there, don't give up, take baby steps and give yourself big pats on the back when an accomplishment is made, and when you stumble do not give yourself an emotional beating. Every day it will get easier I promise!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Long Lost Friend
My Long Lost Friend
I drove into the parking lot and just sat there with the motor running, my palms sweaty, stomach in knots and fidgety as all hell. I left the car running so I could make my quick get away, because all I could think about was how much I wanted to put my foot to the floor and get away from this place as fast as possible. How could a place that my life once revolved around turn into my biggest nightmare? I used to wake up and run there just as fast as my feet would carry me, it was my favorite place in the world...but today I was petrified to walk through the doors. Where was I? The GYM!
Some of you who read this will just laugh and say "whatever". But many others will know exactly where I am coming from. When you walk in you are worried...everyone is looking at me...I know they are thinking"why are you bothering lady!". And...my butt...my butt is juggling while I am on the elliptical...why do they put the machines facing the wall?? That means everyone behind you is watching you jiggle?? And the mirrors...excuse me!! Are they really necessary?
All these crazy thoughts go through your head, so much so that you never really work to your full potential because you are so busy worrying about what everyone else is thinking about you. You find that YOU are the one in fact staring at everyone else, because you are intimidated by the "skinny mini" running on the treadmill. Am I right? I am here to tell you, they don't give a shit about you and your insecurities! Trust me when I say this, they are here to keep their bodies healthy and if they are working to their full potential they sure as the hell aren't worried about what you are doing! You are the last thing on their mind! So in the end you have tortured yourself for an hour with useless negative thoughts!
Why do we do this to ourselves? Two reasons.
1. Fear of change...We are looking for an excuse to stay right where we are, it takes courage to change, even if we desperately need it, down deep we know all the wonderful things that can come from change, but in the end we choose to not take the chance. We choose to stay right where we are because it is comfortable and we fear what change will bring. Sounds strange doesn't it? We choose a tattered life when we could have one that is whole. It is necessary to break this cycle and find the courage to make the change and sometimes it starts with something as trivial as walking into the gym.
2. Rejection of society...We put to much emphasis on how others see us, when what we really have to remember is...we are the ones who tell others "what" they are seeing. They mirror the image of what we are thinking! Whether we realize it or not, if we are insecure then people will see insecure, if we feel fat and frumpy that's what others will see. On the other hand if you feel vibrant and full of energy that is exactly what others will see. We tell people how to see us. If we spent more time focusing on feeling better about ourselves and less on who we thought people perceived us to be then the problem would be solved.
So back to my story...I took a deep breath and walked in through the door, put my headphones on and walked into a very crowded room of people on the machines. I thought for sure that they would all stare at me...but what I observed was something very different. The room was not full of "skinny mini's" it was full of ordinary people, people who were there for the same reasons I was. I immediately jumped onto a piece of equipment and worked to my full potential, then moved to the next piece and then the next piece all while remembering why I used to love the gym. Without finding the courage to walk through the door I would never have reconnected with my long lost friend...the gym;)
I challenge you today find courage to do something that puts a knot in your stomach just thinking about it, something that you know would benefit you but you just don't dare. Step on the scale...go to the gym...say yes to the blind date...ride that roller coaster you have always been afraid of...do some sort of public speaking, there's has to be something that requires you to tap into your box of courage. I promise you the high you get when you break through that barrier is way better than the feelings of shame you currently live with every single day for never trying.
I drove into the parking lot and just sat there with the motor running, my palms sweaty, stomach in knots and fidgety as all hell. I left the car running so I could make my quick get away, because all I could think about was how much I wanted to put my foot to the floor and get away from this place as fast as possible. How could a place that my life once revolved around turn into my biggest nightmare? I used to wake up and run there just as fast as my feet would carry me, it was my favorite place in the world...but today I was petrified to walk through the doors. Where was I? The GYM!
Some of you who read this will just laugh and say "whatever". But many others will know exactly where I am coming from. When you walk in you are worried...everyone is looking at me...I know they are thinking"why are you bothering lady!". And...my butt...my butt is juggling while I am on the elliptical...why do they put the machines facing the wall?? That means everyone behind you is watching you jiggle?? And the mirrors...excuse me!! Are they really necessary?
All these crazy thoughts go through your head, so much so that you never really work to your full potential because you are so busy worrying about what everyone else is thinking about you. You find that YOU are the one in fact staring at everyone else, because you are intimidated by the "skinny mini" running on the treadmill. Am I right? I am here to tell you, they don't give a shit about you and your insecurities! Trust me when I say this, they are here to keep their bodies healthy and if they are working to their full potential they sure as the hell aren't worried about what you are doing! You are the last thing on their mind! So in the end you have tortured yourself for an hour with useless negative thoughts!
Why do we do this to ourselves? Two reasons.
1. Fear of change...We are looking for an excuse to stay right where we are, it takes courage to change, even if we desperately need it, down deep we know all the wonderful things that can come from change, but in the end we choose to not take the chance. We choose to stay right where we are because it is comfortable and we fear what change will bring. Sounds strange doesn't it? We choose a tattered life when we could have one that is whole. It is necessary to break this cycle and find the courage to make the change and sometimes it starts with something as trivial as walking into the gym.
2. Rejection of society...We put to much emphasis on how others see us, when what we really have to remember is...we are the ones who tell others "what" they are seeing. They mirror the image of what we are thinking! Whether we realize it or not, if we are insecure then people will see insecure, if we feel fat and frumpy that's what others will see. On the other hand if you feel vibrant and full of energy that is exactly what others will see. We tell people how to see us. If we spent more time focusing on feeling better about ourselves and less on who we thought people perceived us to be then the problem would be solved.
So back to my story...I took a deep breath and walked in through the door, put my headphones on and walked into a very crowded room of people on the machines. I thought for sure that they would all stare at me...but what I observed was something very different. The room was not full of "skinny mini's" it was full of ordinary people, people who were there for the same reasons I was. I immediately jumped onto a piece of equipment and worked to my full potential, then moved to the next piece and then the next piece all while remembering why I used to love the gym. Without finding the courage to walk through the door I would never have reconnected with my long lost friend...the gym;)
I challenge you today find courage to do something that puts a knot in your stomach just thinking about it, something that you know would benefit you but you just don't dare. Step on the scale...go to the gym...say yes to the blind date...ride that roller coaster you have always been afraid of...do some sort of public speaking, there's has to be something that requires you to tap into your box of courage. I promise you the high you get when you break through that barrier is way better than the feelings of shame you currently live with every single day for never trying.
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